LIVING THE NIGHTMARE

 

We tend to compromise our children and break them in the process while we endure and stay in marriages that are toxic. I learned this lesson the hard way, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and undo everything but unfortunately I can’t change history but I can influence the future and learn from my mistakes. Children are very fragile and they see the things that we go through and bear our pain with us while we are so ignorant and think that they do not see. I always thought I’m protecting my children from what I endured but I got the shock of my life when we separated with my ex-husband and they told me everything that was happening in my marriage especially when they said to me we wish you would have walked away sooner before we got damaged. One of my girls even shared that they used to pray we should divorce because they saw how happy I was when we first separated in 2020/2021. A lot of things that they remind me of now, we talk about it and laugh about it which in a way is part of our healing process. We always laugh because every time they would remind of how their dad treated me or them, they would start the conversation by saying “ heeee Dipsy la nyala wa itse, yoh mo-girl wa tle wa re kgethela yong?” Then I know that I’m going to hear of their pain and experience, we laugh and they start telling me the nightmare they lived.

 

My children were scared of their dad, the sad part is they still are. They scared of asking him for anything or even have a heart-to-heart conversation with him which is heartbreaking. I was talking to one of my children the other day, she wanted to do something and I was saying to her to inform her dad because I couldn’t help her at the time, she said to me if he shouts at her then I will buy her a an ice cream as a reward and I asked why he’s your dad you can talk to him like talk to me, I said to her she’s got nothing to lose. She said “Mama wena you don’t have to live like us where this man just shouts at you for just asking him to do something for you or help you”. I said to her “excuse me I’ve lived that life for 23 years” she then said to me “so you understand why then do you want to torture us?” Yoh, it landed and hit hard, why would I want to put them through that nightmare over again?

 

My children can tell me my mistakes without fear of being scolded and being given a lecture, but they can’t do the same with their dad. It pains me to know that my children can’t be honest about their feelings with him because he always plays victim. Like for example, he would promise than that he’s coming to fetch them or get them whatever then on the day he’s supposed to fetch them he disappoints them without even an explanation. Sometimes I snap and say you guys need to tell him and let him know exactly how you feel but they won’t because they’re scared. The sad part is that after he disappoints them they would see him on social media pages, and they would feel he doesn’t love them because he doesn’t value them instead, he prioritises other things instead of them. The other time I asked them to block him and unfollow him on all the social media platforms because they’re the ones that get hurt by viewing his status update but they said to me it’s easier said than done. They then said I’m confusing them because I always tell them how they have to have a relationship with them because he is their dad. As a mother this hurts me because I will be left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts. It’s sad because when we were married, he used to disappoint them at the 11^thhour as well.

 

I have to share this, there was this one time we went to see my mother when she was sick, coming back in the evening the children asked me if we could have a movie night. I remember telling my friends this story and we laughed but as I’m reflecting back I realize this is sad, I actually put my children through a lot staying married to that man. When we got home we decided which movie we’re watching that evening. I fell asleep halfway through the movie, I woke up to this commotion around me, you know when you’re asleep when there’s movement around you, you’re somehow going to pick it up. I woke up, lights were off and the TV was off and my children running to their bedrooms, I joined and ran along with them because I thought maybe since we’re living in a stand alone house they heard something and they just want to be safe. But when I got to my bedroom door, I asked them what are we running from? It was sad what they said to me. They said “Mama your husband just came back, please rush into your room and pretend as if you’re sleeping because we don’t want him to shout at us for watching TV this late”. This was a nightmare that my children lived and no child is supposed to be subjected to that, just imagine not even having the right to watch tv on a weekend a non-school day. My youngest daughter then decided she’s going to inform their grandfather (his dad) about how they’re scared of him and in particular mentioning this incident and a couple more incidents they had with their dad, I think he confronted him because he was not pleased with her and he made sure she knows it. He said to my daughter she wants to ruin his reputation to his family blah blah bah… He didn’t even listen and notice that this was a cry for help from his children for him to change, this became about him once again he was the victim.

 

There was this one time I had a conversation with my children, then my son asked me to do something for him. I then asked them why don’t they ever ask their dad for anything but always come to me and they said to me because I’m always honest with them, if I can’t do for them at the time they ask, I will let them know rather than promise and don’t deliver like he does. The one time I was asking why don’t they go and spend a weekend or a week with him at his new house and just give me a break, I didn’t expect this but my children said to me because at your house there is love hence we always want to be with you, I was shocked especially because I wasn’t expecting that answer from them. I felt sorry for them because parents are supposed to love their children irrespective. It’s heartbreaking and honestly sometimes I just feel like if they didn’t know him then it would make things a lot easier because they wouldn’t have expectations and wouldn’t live this nightmare.

 

My youngest daughter finds it very difficult to make peace with the fact that for now her dad has other priorities than them, she yearns for his acceptance and love. The other day I was asking her to accept that for now he doesn’t have time for them and maybe even block him from her contacts as well all social media platforms and just accept that he is there but not present in their lives to protect her heart and she said to me it’s easier for me to say that because I don’t know how it feels. It broke my heart especially because there’s nothing I can do to protect her from his rejection. My eldest daughter and my son on the other hand are at the stage where they tell me it is what it is if he comes, he comes and if he doesn’t it’s fine. The last time we went to court for the maintenance hearing which is very recent, I was with the girls the unfortunate part is when he came to court that day he didn’t greet the girls, this affected my youngest daughter and she said to me “Mama I looked him in the eye to show him that I see him but still he ignored me and went past us like we don’t exist”, to put salt to an injury later that day he posted them on all his social media platforms with the caption “daddys girls” yoh guys my youngest daughter was so offended that she wanted to respond and I said to her it’s not necessary. I said to her that he’s like that because the previous court hearing he didn’t greet and yet when we met at our son’s school he acted and spoke to me like nothing happened during the day, I was just trying to show her this is not about her but it is who who her dad is. I also tried to explain that she can’t blame herself for her dad always disappointing her because there’s nothing wrong that she or her siblings did but also they need to make a decision not to always let things that are out of their control hurt them that they also need to set clear boundaries on what they will allow in their space and what not to allow. At the end of the day they honestly do not need to do anything for him to love them, it’s their right and it’s his loss. The other day I was talking to my son and I said to him this year things have to change, he has to go to his dad every other weekend and also during holidays like it is in our settlement. I could see he was not happy with what I said to him and I asked him what’s wrong and he said when he’s with his dad he’s always on the phone and he has to keep himself busy, this is sad but it is what it is. I felt bad but I again made an excuse for him and said to my son maybe it’s because when he’s with his dad it’s for a short period of time and he is busy but if we give him a chance it’s for the whole weekend, he will do better. However, I also made him aware that he is the one to guide me on what he’s comfortable with because I won’t force him to do anything that he doesn’t want to do. We went to my son’s school for an event, my ex-husband attended as well and I made him aware of my intention to enforce the court order this year in terms of parental responsibilities whereby we have to share our son every other weekend because I can’t be the one taking him every weekend and he agreed suggesting that he also wanted to call me to discuss that same arrangement with me. I said to him I will sit with our son and work out the weekends’ arrangements between us and send him what we decided because our son has to guide us on what he is comfortable with. I sat with our son and worked out how this is going to work moving forward, I sent the schedule to him but guess what, he just read my text and didn’t respond. Lol… I honestly pray and hope it works for the sake of his relationship with our son. If you ask me I don’t think it’s going to happen because this past weekend was supposed to be the first weekend he has him but he didn’t pitch and hasn’t said anything, I also didn’t ask but at least I know tried to get him to spend time with our son and my son also knows. I could see the disappointment in my son and I regretted suggesting that and raising my son’s hope and having him have expectations that were shattered. On Saturday I took full responsibility and was accountable for my son’s pain and disappointment, the nice thing is that this time around I was prepared for what happened and I was able to make up for my mistake. But I must say my son is much matured that I thought, he didn’t even make that much of a fuss about it instead he said to me can we plan for next weekend now to avoid disappointments and I said is his plan, what does he want to do? because even this coming weekend his dad is supposed to take him and he said he will spend the weekend with me again. I’m proud of him because I though he was going to be all sad and angry but no, he’s just soldiering on.

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕, A Very Beautiful Story Live❤️ in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord - Ephesians 6:4🙏🏽🙏🏽

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them - Psalm 127:3-5🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚