Unexpected turns in marriage

 Nobody gets married to be divorced, we all get married to build a life with our significant other. Unfortunately life happens to the better of us.

Loving someone isn't enough to sustain a marriage, marriage requires commitment from both partners, both have to be all in. 

I stayed in a miserable, unhappy, painful marriage for over 22 years. I was never a quiter, I always had hope that things will get better that I ignored the red flags and I was ignorant to a lot of things. It became cold in my marriage, I was alone, I was not seen the way I needed to be seen, I was treated like a cheater, I was lied to about a lot things, he was too busy to make time for me and our children, the list is endless...

We slowly but surely grew apart over the years. One way I tried to fill the void and emptiness I felt was through retail therapy, trust me this is just a short term solution & it's a short lived fulfillment. I kept myself busy to keep myself distracted and besides I had to find a way to numb the pain, I became very good at numbing my pain but unfortunately my anger was directed towards the wrong people, our children. I would just snap at them for no reason and as much as I hate to admit it I became a totally different person. I didn't like who I was becoming but I didn't know how to save myself. 

I cried out to God, I prayed 2022 January I fasted for 40 days asking God that if I'm missing the signs, He should speak to me in a language that I would understand. Guess what July 16th 2022, my ex-husband told me he wants a divorce and he left me.:

I was an emotional wreck, I cried a lot,  I questioned God, I was angry, I was bitter, I felt betrayed, I felt rejected and I felt empty. Divorce is not easy, it is painful, it is a very brutal process/journey and it carries a lot of emotional trauma. Whether we like it or not even in this day and age divorce still comes with stigma. The stigma that comes with divorce makes the breakup difficult to accept and process as it affects how we are perceived and treated. For women especially divorce comes with a lot of  judgement, shame, guilt, embarrassment and blame which leads to a feeling of isolation and loneliness. This has a lot of negative effects on ones mental and emotional strength.

We all need a refuge, an accepting environment where you can go without feeling judged. As a community we need to understand that divorce affects your self-worth, self-esteem and confidence.

There was a lot of expectation on me, I was expected to put myself out there at a time when I was not able to, I was expected to heal quickly, I was expected to be this strong person, I was expected to be happy, I was expected to move on, I was expected to hide my pain because of my children and I was expected show up daily with a smile. I found it difficult to show my emotions and be vulnerable at times because of the expectations. Because I was hurting so much, I learned to numb the pain and I would pretend like everything is okay when i was in public. Behind closed doors I allowed myself to walk in that hurt, I allowed myself to hate, I allowed myself to scream, I allowed myself to walk in I had fear and I allowed myself to be vulnerable. This whole journey made me feel like a failure and at times I felt like I gave up. 

Divorce might be a mere legal separation but the mental scars it inflicts can be intense/extreme and long-lasting. The complexity of the healing process is often underestimated however,  it can be both liberating and confining. Healing requires a lot of support from family, friends, therapy and the community at large, they all play a major supporting role in the whole process.

I must give kudos to my community, I have very supportive family, friends, colleagues and church community. They refused to let me break from the very beginning. I remember one of my colleagues, an elderly sister of mine when my husband left gave me the best advice ever. She said to me “Dips, this process is going to be hard so please do yourself a favour and book yourself into a psychiatric hospital because they will help you deal with your emotions and they will empower you on how to be there for your children”. This was thee best advice ever and I recommend to anyone going through the process. I was protected, I had people standing in the gap for me in prayer, people calling me just to check on me, people who would invite me out getting me out of the house, the list is endless... Let me tell you my community refused to let me drown in my sorrow, refused to let me blame myself, refused to let me feel shame, refused to let me see myself as a failure, they provided a safe environment for me to cry, hate, vent, laugh etc. They made it easy for me to open up and talk about my pain, they helped me find humour in my pain but most importantly they held me accountable for my actions which I really appreciate about all of them.

I was able to freely talk about my divorce without feeling shame because of the people around me, my support structure, my community. This helped me accept and focus on working on my healing journey, it shifted the focus for me from the social stigma surrounding divorce. I worked on taking control of my own life and making decisions that are best for me regardless of what other people opinions are. I got reminded over and over that I am the only one who know what is best for me and my children. My children gave me a reason to wake up and pick up the pieces of life and work towards bettering our lives. They kept me grounded and they always reminded me that I should take care of myself and put myself first.

At the beginning of my divorce process I lost a lot of weight, clothes were literally wearing me and not me wearing them, I was so skinny that my underwear was too big for me. The sad part was I was in denial, I didn’t see how skinny I was and one of my aunts actually mentioned it to me but I just brushed it off until one day in 2022 on Heritage day I took pictures and posted them on my WhatsApp status and that day I got a serious reality check because I didn’t like what I saw then I started working on myself. That is when I vowed never to allow myself to look like my problems and that is the one thing that I refused to do starting that day. I made sure that I take care of myself both physically and emotionally. I made sure I practice self-care regularly by getting enough sleep and trying to eat healthy because believe you me you can fall into the trap of not taking of yourself. I also try to make time for myself so that I can relax, spend time with friends and family, this is very important because it reduces stress and anxiety while improving your overall well-being. The other crucial thing to do is set boundaries, setting clear limits on what you allow and not allow from people around you especially judgemental/critical friends, family, colleagues etc. protect your peace and be vocal and very clear if a family, friend, colleagues’ behaviour does not work for you.

I still have a lot work to do on me, the journey is still very long but for now I’m walking the journey by praying a lot, surrounding myself with people who love and support me, people who don’t judge me, people who are not bias and people who pray for me. I’m empowering myself, practicing self-care, setting boundaries, a lot of therapy and a lot of forgiveness. My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life. I Am A Beautiful Story, Mercy Rewrote My Life🙏🏾💕😍

In Christ, the Lord will be faithful to be there every morning with enough new mercy to get us through today's troubles, sin, and pain - Lamentations 3:22–24

Love & Light,

Dipsy💚