REMAINING FAITHFUL IN THE MIDST OF BETRAYAL

 

When you get married, you anticipate only the good things, love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, a love that never fails (1 Corinthians 3:8). We all hope for that kind of that, a love that is jealous. Love is supposed to be a source of pleasure and fulfilment, but it can be the cause of stress, heartache and may even be traumatic whereby in some instances it causes severe damage to a loving relationship to the point of its demise.

 

No woman gets married hoping or anticipating that they would be betrayed but unfortunately life happens to the best of us. When I got married I knew that my ex-husband was deemed to be a playboy but I thought he had changed because the short period we dated, we were together all the time, we did things together, the only time that we were apart was when we were both at work. However, I learned that this was not the case, this man actually managed to live a double life while fooling me to think that I’m the only woman in his life.

 

Infidelity is bad and for some sad reason, society has made it to be cool. It may not only have a destructive impact on the relationship, but it negatively affects the partners’ overall emotional wellbeing, it leads to depression and low self-esteem. Infidelity is a worst form of betrayal, it is devastating as it triggers a wave of emotions – anger, confusion, sadness, hurt, resentment and a deep sense of loss. This leads to breakdown of trust, communication, and intimacy in a marriage.

 

The first time I found out that my ex-husband cheated on me, I felt betrayed, angry, embarrassed and completely heartbroken. I started questioning everything about myself, our relationship and my life in general, something inside of me died. However, walking away was not an option for me because 

1. God hates divorce

2. Not wanting to disappoint my parents because they believed so much in a family unit

3. I kept on replaying my mom’s words when my ex-husband left me and the girls when he came back, he went to my mom and my mom convinced me to take him back for the sake of our girls. I remember her exact words, Dipuo if not for you then do it for the girls, they have to grow up in a family unit

 4. proving my mom wrong because when we started dating my mom didn’t want me to date him saying this is not going to end well 

 5. the stigma and shame that surrounds divorce.

 

The sad part the little times where he used to take me with to events, every time I got introduced as his wife 9 out of 10 times there would be that “shame is this his wife? Shame and she is so beautiful” but I never understood what this shame meant until we separated and I learned about his other life. 

 

Before I officially found out in 2014 that my ex-husband was cheating on me there were red flags because he would get random messages from women like asking for money, telling him they love him. I have to say this society especially men protect eachother with everything, and are loyal to the core to each other because this one time he received a message saying “I love you” the number was not saved and he said to me it’s one of his friends because they always tell each other “I love you” and like a fool I believed him because I heard them once or twice but also because this guy also confirmed it. Now looking back I can clearly see that I was played big time. Small little things for example he would bring a bouquet of flowers home but the flower card holder stick would be in the bouquet and no card with a message but because I was so naïve I would just be happy for the flowers and never ask questions, the list goes on and I’m even embarrassed when I think of the all things that were clearly meant for his side chicks that would end up being regifted to me...

 

This man was a serial cheater, I remember this one time during COVID period he came home with pink lipstick on his lips and he said he met up with his supposedly best friend and it’s her lipstick what he forgot was that he once said to me this woman doesn’t use make-up not even lipstick. The other time we were visiting our friends in Joburg and I found a used mask in his car with make-up on and when I asked him about it and he suddenly had amnesia, he even wanted to make me feel bad and guilty about questioning him about the mask but this time I was immune to his manipulation and it didn’t work anymore so you can imagine the huge fight that we had just for that mask. I felt this man is undermining me because he didn’t want me to apply make-up at all and yet his side chicks used make-up.

 

There was this one time I was on home leave when I was still based in Germany for Christmas and I used his phone then a message popped up from one of his many girlfriends asking him if he’s able to sneak out to come see her. I decided to go into the messages and I got the shock of my life because even the conversations were explicit yoh. He wanted to blame for me that during his time of grief and that I was not there for him, I basically pushed him into that relationship, he is sorry it will never happen again but his sorry was very cold there was no emotion to it. He tried to manipulate me again that it was my fault but I said to him, No it’s got nothing to do with me it’s all on him and he will not try to manipulate me to think that it was my fault. The thing is, it was not my job to make him feel like a man and by him cheating doesn’t make it my fault. Even though I was able to respond to him, I was hurt and angry because with him each time I caught him he would not apologize nor take accountability, he would always want to blame it on me. He would not even hear me out and feel my pain, he would not even have remorse nor guilt.

 

There was this one time he gave me his phone to call someone and a message came through, one of his side chicks from Mahikeng. This lady was saying to him that he should come because she’s off her periods and misses him because the last time he was in Mahikeng they couldn’t enjoy their time together as she was on her period. I felt like someonce just took a knife and pierced it through my heart because this was now getting out of hand this man was now a serial cheater of note. That day I confronted him immediately and he wanted to manipulate me like always by saying she’s nothing to him but it didn’t work because I made him call her, I said if she’s nothing to you then you won’t have a problem calling her and we should both ask her why is she sending you such messages? He called and immediately he gave a disclaimer that I’m with my wife then I grabbed the phone from his hands and hung up then I said to him it’s pointless because now she will have calculated answers. This was when I confirmed that this man doesn’t love nor care about me because no person in their right mind would keep on hurting the person they claim to love like he was hurting me.

 

The worst thing a partner cheating could do is accuse you of cheating when they know they’re the one cheating on you. I would be accused of cheating all the time, I remember this one time after I returned from a girls trip from Miami with my best friend he accused me of cheating on him all because he was driving in town and saw this woman who looked just like me driving in another car with this guy and he tried calling me but I didn’t pick up the phone so that confirmed to him that it was me in that car and I was scared that he’s going to catch me. There was this one time we went to Cape Town on a girls trip after we returned from the trip one of my best friend’s colleagues male complimented me on my beauty hey, that became an issue. I was accused of cheating with that guy why would he out of the blue just compliment me? I said to him it doesn’t make sense that I would cheat on you and yet be able to discuss this with my friend while you’re listening, if I was cheating I wasn’t even going to put her on speaker. He said to me things that were degrading to me as a woman and I felt he was being disrespectful to my girls because they were all married with families. He said and I quote “ke dilo tse le di etsang when you go out there with your girls, anyway ke kuku ya gago ba tlo e ja ba efetsa and I don’t care”. I just didn’t get why he made a huge issue out of that, that he even went to see my mom and my aunts to tell them about it. I was summoned home and usually when I would be called to order I would keep quiet and not say anything because of the shame of exposing what I was going through in my marriage. This time I decided to open my mouth and speak for myself when one of my aunts was lecturing me about how I was not raised like that I should respect my marriage and myself blah blah blah, I said to my aunt ask him when was the last time he told me I’m beautiful? I said for once I’m not sorry that some man can actually see how beautiful I am and to be honest it felt damn good that someone can appreciate my beauty. I also told them what he said to me (the insults he uttered to me earlier before he came to see them) about our girls trip and let me tell you that was the end of that meeting.

 

I remember this one time again where it was around Easter time and his girlfriends were throwing him a party and I was not even invited but I didn’t care because I was at that point where I didn’t care anymore. He decided to go to church with us, after church later that afternoon he went to his birthday celebration and I went home as we decided with my aunts and my cousins that we will spend that weekend with my mom. That afternoon, my cousins wanted us to get more bubbly but because it was Good Friday the liquor stores were closed and we asked my brother to let us know where we can buy in our township. We went there with my cousin and when we got to the place it was packed then I said to my cousin to go in and I’ll try find a parking spot and come join her. While I was trying to find a parking space I saw one of his friends, he greeted me and asked me if I’m not going to the birthday celebration. As we were talking my cousin came back we said goodbye and I remember my cousin saying to him they should have fun because this friend of his was someone my family knew very well. Apparently that guy when he got to the party he  told my ex husband that he saw me and that didn’t sit well with him. When we both got back home all hell broke loose, hey guys I was accused of cheating with that guy and he said to me I quote “ke mo nyatsisa ka bafana”. This was now my life where I get accused all the time, he even accused me of cheating with one of my colleagues. That was nothing, the masterpiece is that he once accused me of dating my cousin brother to a point where he even called my cousins wife and even went to see one of my aunts telling her that I’m cheating on him with this brother of mine. My aunt was disgusted with just the thought of that and put him in his place. Yoh this guy the way he used to accuse me, you would think that he once caught me cheating on him and it’s sad that not even once have I ever thought or even cheated on him. There was this one time when I was pregnant with my son, we went to an event where one of his friends was opening a restaurant there I met one of my former high school male friends, I was so happy to see that guy and he was also happy to see me after a long time. While we were chatting with my friend he came and grabbed my hand and said we’re leaving, he didn’t even greet him or want to know who he was. After we got into the car my friend came wanting to speak to him but he just drove off and on the way he screamed, shouted and yelled at me telling me if I want to cheat I should at least respect him because nou ke mo nyatsisa ka bafana. There’s a lot I could say about this man and his cheating but it’s a tale for another day.

 

I now became an emotional wreck with my mood changes being on steroids , I was becoming a monster and the sad part is the people at the receiving end of this were my children because I would just snap at them, I was impatient etc. One of my former colleagues viewed my WhatsApp status a few months after I separated from my ex-husband and said to me Dipuo you look so beautiful and happy, this is the Dipuo I first knew when we started working together, a happy, carefree and bubbly person. I said to her aowa I’ve never changed, I have always been happy, carefree and bubbly. I was never ready for her response to my text, she said to me No, nana you were to angry and bitter that we didn’t see your beauty anymore, ne o utlwisa botlhoko. I was shocked thinking so everyone could see through me as much as I thought I could hide it, it didn’t work. I was saddened by what she said but I was glad that she can now see that I’m genuinely happy. I started intensive therapy to manage my emotions especially when I found out that he was now even visiting brothels, I remember telling my therapist in one session that I now have low self-esteem and doubting if I’m enough because of his behaviour, she said to me “I shouldn’t project my ex-husbands insecurities on me, his cheating is not my fault but a sign that he himself has got a low self-esteem, a void that he’s trying to fill and it’s got nothing to do with me”. She then said, “If an individual is compulsively cheating and without remorse, she said they look at signs of past trauma, possible mental illness (such as narcissistic personality disorder, sex addiction)”.

 

Looking back and reflecting I now see that I was actually abused in this marriage because him accusing me of cheating it was his way of defecting by accusing me of the very thing he was doing. I was living a nightmare because he wouldn’t take accountability and wad continually blaming me for his actions and he’s forever minimizing my feelings. Finding out you’ve been cheated on is a traumatic experience on its own and worse is if your partner is dishonest and doesn't apologize or feel remorse. I don’t remember when he was truly sorry about his affairs the ones I knew about because after we separated, I learned that this man was a compulsive cheater, I can’t remember him listening to my feelings instead of trying to minimize them. Instead, he continually blamed me and ignored how I feel, this was a huge red flag.

 

He was failing to hold my relationship to him as the most important relationship and this was the root of our problems. I was now beginning to keep my emotional distance because of the betrayal as a way of protecting myself. With all this I could only come to a realization that whether I like it or not we do not have the same values and we’re not working toward the same goals which is not good for any marriage. Through all this I remained faithful even through his continuous betrayal.

 

After we separated, I kept on asking myself this question “Does forgiveness feel possible?” Because I was angry and bitter, angry at myself for overstaying in the marriage that didn’t serve me and bitter because my bad experiences and unjust treatment in my marriage. Yes, forgiveness is possible and I’m walking the forgiveness journey and I will not lie it is not an easy journey but it is slowly setting my spirit free. Forgiveness is a gentle breeze that is clearing the fog of bitterness, revealing a new horizon of peace and most importantly I’m getting healed. Forgiving him does not mean what he did to me is okay and it’s not for him but it’s a process and a journey I’m walking and setting myself free

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me, I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 I Am A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

You cry out, 'Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?' I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows - Malachi 2:14🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚