HELL HAS NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED

 I must give a disclaimer that the content of this post may include sensitive material. Reader discretion is advised. The intention is not to offend but to provide context, proceed only if you are comfortable with potentially sensitive topics.

No woman gets married only to be angry and bitter, it is our emotional landscape over time that causes us to be angry and bitter. We become bitter because we hold on to hurt and it is due to feeling invalidated and unappreciated in one too many occasions, unfulfilled expectation and needs. Also attempts to control and manipulate, emotional blackmail, neglect which leads to feelings of loneliness, frustration and anger. However, when we get married we’re all sweet, kind loving and caring, we change and tend to harbour deep anger, resentment, and unhappiness due to our negative experiences or injustices in marriage, being silenced, gaslighted, belittled and misjudged.

 

Trust me when I say a woman is capable of anger that even hell, the fiery seat of evil cannot match it for its destructive power. A woman who was rejected or betrayed in love, tends to use anger more as a force to resist the ways people have controlled and overpowered her.

In 2012 when my ex-husband turned 40, I welcomed all his children from out of wedlock into our home, loved them and treated them like my own. Those kids were so comfortable around me that they could even visit without their dad being around, I trusted them and truly treasured what we had. He previously had no relationship whatsoever with them and I thought it would be great if my children could meet and have a relationship with their siblings. I’m from a small family and I always wanted to belong to a big family. 

 

2018 we returned to South Africa, now the nightmare that I lived before was nothing compared to what I was about to experience and live. April that year, my ex-husband decided he’s going to celebrate his birthday and hosted a party somewhere in Pretoria East. I asked his eldest son to come and keep my children company basically babysit for us because I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my children alone in the house. I left for the party and he came just minutes after I left, little did I know that I was going to invite the devil (figuratively speaking) into my home. That evening his son raped my eldest daughter, like father like son he manipulated my children not to say anything to us using family as his weapon that he has now just found his family and they want to take the gift of family away from him. They didn’t say anything but I could see the very bright light that my daughter carried being dimmed, she started wearing baggy clothes, being angry and behaving strangely. She then decided to tell one of my cousins who then called our other cousin who then called his mother, who is my aunt. My aunt then decided to call my step-mother-in-law, we were then summoned to his fathers house urgently. That evening I didn’t even suspect that I was about to live my worst nightmare, when we got there we went into my father-in-law’s office where all the serious family matters would be discussed.

 

We started first by praying then my mother-in-law then broke the news to us, my ex-husband cried and I just stood there numb, I really can’t put how I felt into words but I remember my body trembling then I just saw black, it was like my body was present in the room but I was not there. All I remember was that my father-in-law looked at us and said we are not going to do anything about this issue, we’re not even allowed to talk about it because my daughter and my ex-husband son are his grandkids and besides he said my husbands son’s grandfather is a lawyer and they’re going to find the best legal counsel for him and it will crush my daughter. I was disappointed in him for saying that but it doesn’t even compare to what came next from his mouth. He said that we are not allowed to talk about this issue to anyone because these things happen in a lot of families, I remember asking where do these things happen because where I come from this is taboo. This was the day I completely lost respect and trust in my father-in-law. The fact that the family demanded that we do nothing about it broke me, I was crushed because all these people were worried about was to protect their surname over my daughter’s demise. Believe me when I say this affected me more that it did affect my daughter, I was a wreck especially because now I expected my ex-husband to protect our daughter and fight for her like any other normal dad would do, put their life on the line for his cubs but he didn’t.

 

They instilled fear in my daughter because I remember when she eventually said to me she wanted to press charges and I was ready to support her, they made my daughter to believe that my ex-husband son’s grandfather was a shark in the law fraternity and they’re going to crush her. And to top it up my ex-husband said to her all she’s ever good at would be laying on her back, she’s good for nothing and will amount to nothing. He even suggested that she did something to provoke his son to rape her. Yoh guys you do not say that to my daughter in front of me. I got into a serious altercation with him, it was bad that I didn’t even care anymore I couldn’t hide my anger, it was so tense that he even moved out of the house a few days later.

 

Before he moved out though there was an episode that happened where I got confirmation that this man doesn’t really care about me or my children. I was so depressed at that time over the rape that one afternoon on my way back from work, I just blacked out. I was driving but not present in that moment, I ran through red robots as I was told but thank God I got home safe. That evening we were having dinner with the girls and apparently I started hallucinating, and just passed out at the dinner table. Listen to this he got up went into the lounge and watched tv as if nothing happened and my girls had to carry me to the bedroom changed me into my pj’s then he came into our bedroom and chased them out. They told me about it and when I confronted him he said he was too sad and couldn’t bear to see me like that in my vulnerable moment. I just decided to let it go and continued with therapy because at that point in time, my healing was a priority as I needed to be emotionally stable and strong for my daughter.

 

I watched my daughter go into a self-destructive mode, she was like someone completely different from the daughter I gave birth to. She attempted suicide twice, went into mental institutions a couple of times working with psychiatrists and psychologists trying to help her. Unfortunately something like this affects the whole family, my youngest daughter as well was affected so much that she also tried to commit suicide. It was bad for me and my children, my mother as well got so affected that her illness got worse to a point where she suffered a stroke. Every time we went to visit her, she would ask me all the time, if there’s ever going to be justice for my daughter. We were all hurt, my aunts, my uncles all of us wanted justice but my daughter was scared to do anything because of the fear they instilled in her and we couldn’t do anything without her willing to come forth. Then there came a time again when she decided she’s going to press charges, she informed me and she also informed her dad, guess what? This man who is supposed to be her protector, the man who is supposed to make her feel safe turned on her and said he will not allow that to happen nor support her not under his watch and he would do everything in his power to make sure that she doesn’t get to press charges. Both my daughters were shattered with his reaction but also they were scared and she decided to let it go yet again.

I felt like I was failing my daughter especially because he was protecting his son more than he was protecting my daughter. He was failing her in every aspect, I remember his father saying to me when I suggested we need to press charges, he said no they’re both kids and we will be destroying him if we press charges against him. I remember saying he is 10 years older than my daughter he’s an adult and he knew what he was doing when he did what he did especially because afterwards he was able to manipulate my daughter not to press charges. Worse, my ex-husband didn’t even want to inform the boys’ mother, my husband said to me “the reason we can’t tell the mother was because she has a heart problem and he doesn’t want to affect her in a negative way. I’m standing there thinking you’re even protecting his mother over me and my daughter? This drove up the wall, I was now beyond angry. You do not want to mess with a woman who is bitter, angry, unhappy and unappreciated because baby believe you me I changed, the monster in me was unleashed, I vowed to make life miserable for him as much as possible which by the way I’m not proud of because whether I like it or not, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I started wishing him bad things, I remember at some point he came telling me that one of my friends husband got killed and my response to him was God takes only the good ones they should have killed him instead. The other time we were arguing which was now the norm in our home, he said to me I do not appreciate him and he takes care of me and the kids, I decided to go straight for his ego and I said to him who? You must be joking you take care of us? I said to him you can’t even afford me, you do nothing for me and my children. I was at the point where I didn’t care what he thinks of me, I was just rebellious nje and my tongue became very sharp, I was going for his ego all the time. I became this evil person that I also didn’t recognize myself, I remember this one time he asked me for money for petrol I refused yet I had the money and after that I went with my son to the mall and got him candy from his favourite American sweet store that cost me more than what a full tank would cost, I didn’t even feel bad about it, I was okay with that as long as it’s not him spending my money. I remember this one time we were talking and he asked him if he got sick what would I do, and I said to him I’m going to take him to a hospice and would not come to see him or even allow anyone to come visit him, I would just take him whatever he would need, drop it off at the hospice and continue with my life as if he doesn’t exists. He said to me I was evil and I said to him I don’t care if I’m evil but I don’t see myself taking care of someone who doesn’t care for me. He then said to me it’s not the first time I mentioned that it means I’m serious and I said to him I was serious. Believe me when I say I was not playing anymore I was going in hard on crushing his ego, as much as it was wrong of me to do that but at that time I felt justified.

 

I was now praying from a place of anger and hurt so you can just imagine what I would pray which was not good at all, I was this villain and I couldn’t stop myself. I was this horrible person to him, I couldn’t hide my anger and disappointment in him anymore, I now demanded answers on why is he and his family are protecting his son and victimizing my daughter? He couldn’t bear the heat hence he moved out, my aunts and uncles intervened arranging a meeting with his father and stepmother then he came back home. I remember while he was gone, he once sent his father to bring something for my son and he found me and the kids sitting at the dinner table, I asked myself after he left gore yoh ntate o, ebile he allows his son go mo roma and doesn’t even see anything wrong with this picture that he just saw, ke gore for ena it’s normal nje.

 

After he came back home we had an understanding that his son would no longer be allowed to come to the house and would not have any contact with our children. 2021 after my daughter was released from hospital for attempted suicide, he then said to me he wanted to celebrate his birthday with all his kids and I said to him if your son is going to be at the celebration let me know because my children will not be going to the celebration. He said to me his son won’t be there like a stupid that he used to call me I believed him. Heee lona guess what? His son was there and apparently when my daughter saw him she had anxiety attacks, just imagine 4 days after her hospital release. That day was difficult for me I couldn’t get through to him on the phone, I was bitterly crying because I knew that whatever the consequences my daughter will suffer that day because of his bad decisions I will be left to fix it on my own and pick up the pieces. That day my BFF decided that we should go out because I can’t be alone I needed a break from all that was happening. Monday morning the 20th of April 2021, a day after my ex-husbands birthday he was sleeping and I was preparing myself to go to work, I had an iron in my hand when I walked into our bedroom. When I saw him sleeping peacefully, the picture of my daughter having anxiety attacks came into my mind (even though I didn’t see her but I imagined how it must have been), I imagined my daughter just before she was admitted into the hospital when her body was just shaking abnormally because the body was reacting to whatever she drank trying to take her life and how helpless I was in that moment, I thought of my time in hospital for the operation when he was screaming at me after the procedure, I thought of all the times he lied to me and said he would never cheat on me when he knew he was cheating on me, I thought of all the times this man hurt me and I would just sweep it under the rug, I thought of how he would just let his mom & his sister insult me by accusing me of things that were not true and he would not protect me because I believe no self-respecting man would stand by and let anyone treat his wife with disrespect (he should immediately defend her), all those bad things he allowed to happen to me and my children and still is allowing, all those things just clouded my judgement, I exploded, I was raging with fury, I couldn’t control how I felt and what I was about to do to him. I only wanted to inflict the same pain he inflicted on me all those years and it would just be okay. I switched on the iron in my hand wanting to burn his face but his reflexes were very sharp. When he felt the heat he woke up and as he was about to jump out of bed, I threw the hot iron in his face then I ran out of the bedroom to go to the kitchen to get a knife and when I got to the kitchen I went for the chef’s knife, the biggest of them all. I honestly wanted to stab him, I felt like this man is constantly inflicting pain on me and my children and I’m helpless, I was thinking he’s better off dead than alive, I will go to jail and after a few years I will be out and my children will forgive me. I wasn’t thinking straight, I had so much power that I was even trembling, I was out of control and I was going for his neck veins, we struggled for a while and eventually he managed to push the knife out of my hand and ran for his life. 

 

I just continued as if nothing happened and went to work but when I got to the office I told my adopted elderly sister at work in case he goes and gets me arrested but he didn’t. He then took pictures of his burnt face and circulated the pictures amongst our family and friends including our children, I remember saying to him it’s sad that people are always going to judge me based on what I did to him and yet they do not know what he did to me, the emotional scars he inflicted on me and the decisions he made that pushed me to do what I did to him. As much as it was sad that now I’m being seen as this heartless person the villain who decided one morning to just wake up and burn her husband, I honestly didn’t care because the victim he played, he was far from it. He then went to my aunts told them and they intervened once again and we worked things out. However, to his world I was and still remain the villain he wanted people to know me as and it’s okay you know why? Because he knows that I’m not and God knows I’m not, I was pushed to the limits even though I was not supposed to act on it I did after all I’m not a saint and I’m not perfect. I make mistakes like everybody else and I learn from the mistakes I make.

 

I started praying hard for forgiveness because now I felt me holding on to the anger and bitterness and not forgiving him, his son and the family was hurting me more than them. It was like I’m drinking this poison and hoping it would kill them yet it’s killing me. I’m still walking the journey of forgiveness and once again not proud of how I behaved after my daughter was raped but at the time because I was blinded by pain and in that moment it felt damn good. I had to forgive him because of who I was becoming, I did not like that person SHE WAS NOT ME, I was tired of living my version of “A Diary of a Mad Black Woman”, I did not want to be that woman, I was tired and I just wanted peace.

 

After we officially separated in 2022, his family welcomed back his son with open arms and now life for them became normal while my daughter was hurting. I was called a lot of toxic and bad names but you know what I don’t care I continue praying to God for strength as I keep on with forgiveness journey no matter how hard it is. Through all this my daughter abused alcohol and even used dagga to numb her pain but God gave me angels in a form of humans who would love me, guide me and give me wisdom, I sent her to rehab before it could get worse and we walked through her journey together with my family and getting support from a few of his family members not his nuclear family though. My daughter while in rehab went into intense therapy, at some point she wrote a 5 page letter telling me where I had failed her, where she went wrong and hurt me, she asked for forgiveness and asked that we start over and rebuild our relationship. I would advise every parent to support their children in every way possible no matter how much therapy you think would help them, the most important thing that would help and liberate your children is love and support from you and don’t let them fool you when the wear a façade that they’re okay when they are not, my daughter in her letter mentioned that she wishes I could have taken her to rehab in 2018 after she was raped because that’s when her alcohol dependency started trying to numb her pain, this will forever be my biggest regret that I allowed the hurt and vengeance rule me that I didn’t notice that my daughter was drowning. When she was almost done with her program I was called for a session with her so that I would be able to integrate her back into the family. During the session, I was told that what she did was her way of numbing the pain and dealing with the rejection especially from her father and the family. People do things not knowing how their actions affect the victims mentally. I was told my daughter was taken through a forgiveness journey and she has forgiven and is still working on that but one thing that stuck with me from the session, the therapist mentioned to me that until my daughter gets justice she will never be fully healed. However, my daughter now wants to put this experience behind her, move on and focus on getting her life back and taking her power back. My responsibility is to support her, protect her where I can, hold her hand through this journey of self-rediscovery while she unleashes the superpower of being herself again, I was advised to validate her everyday telling her how I love her, how she is worthy, how she is enough just to undo what her dad said to her after she was raped. The journey continues, we are a work in progress and eventually we will get there because God is in control. It’s beautiful to watch how we have evolved in our relationship and now we’re walking the healing journey together.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏽💕, A Very Beautiful Story❤️Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you - Deuteronomy 31:6🙏🏽🙏🏽

Love & Light

Dipsy💚