LOOKING AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

A mirror reflects back what we are, our experiences in life mirror our beliefs, what we think, what we feel and our actions. When you are constantly criticized and made to feel inferior you start believing the worst about yourself, your self-esteem is affected in big way.

I’m not perfect and I can never claim to be, I had my own flaws, but it doesn’t justify how I was treated in my marriage. I’m one person who always owns my truth and is quick to admit when I’m wrong no matter how embarrassing it is because I believe that we learn and grow from making mistakes. Even though at times my pride as a woman would come into play and I would refuse to admit to him when I was wrong, but I would still make an effort, I would try my best to show him how sorry I am and apologise with my actions.

I sit down a lot now and reflect (man in the mirror) on the woman that I was in my marriage especially towards the years leading to the collapse of my marriage. I hated the person that I was becoming, I had mixed feelings of sadness and anger that I had accumulated over the years. I was getting irritated quiet often and I was triggered by little things that probably aren’t even justified to even bother anyone. I was broken, unhappy and dying inside because of all that this man put me through. Looking at the man in the mirror, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be hurt and to be broken like that because I was scared to walk out.

I will do something good, and he would present it as if he did it for me or we did it together so he can also get the accolades and be seen as thoughtful, caring as well as a loving husband and father. This man was very good with words, charming and very manipulative, he would get himself out of any trouble he gets himself into. He was good at oppressing me when I would try to express myself so most of the time I would end up just giving him the platform and not saying anything because I felt it was a fruitless effort all the time. He would end up being the one being celebrated for what I had done. Just to give you an example, I would go on a trip with my friends, I would pay for the trip and he would claim to be the one who spoiled me by paying for me to go on a trip when he actually didn’t even a pay a cent so he could be seen as the best husband. There’s a lot that he got celebrated for that he didn’t do that I did but I let him take the glory because I thought we were a team, and that I should not expose our family business because that was how I was taught that a good wife protects her husband and her family. Looking at the man in the mirror, I will never again allow myself to be used like that just to boost ones ego.

It's sad because it got to a point where I would even believe that I do not deserve beautiful things, yet I work so hard. I would justify and apologise for doing something nice for myself because he would make me feel bad as if I’m being irresponsible to a point that I started lying about things that I buy. I used to envy my friends who would buy things and show their partners what they bought and they would be happy for them. A lot of my family and friends bought things for me that they don’t know that they bought for me. Lol… I would hide things, remove tags from the clothes I bought, sometimes I would put them in the laundry basket even though they're new just to confuse him. I remember this one time I asked him to buy me a perfume because he would buy me perfumes sometimes but, I was told I don’t deserve a perfume from him. Looking at the man in the mirror, I will never again allow myself to be made to feel like I don’t deserve beautiful things and to spoil myself especially when I work this hard.

That man worked on killing my self-confidence and self-esteem it’s not funny. My feelings were constantly invalidated, and I was made to doubt everything I did… I started doubting myself and my perception of reality so much that I would take responsibility for things I did not do or was not even responsible for. I always felt guilty for him doing me wrong and never being accountable for his actions because I was always told that I’m the reason and it’s my fault, i pushed him to do what he did. He would talk to me in a disrespectful manner, and he would always feel he is justified to speak to me in that manner. I remember this one time my youngest daughter said to me “you are an assertive, outspoken and tenacious woman” why do you allow papa to talk to you the way he does? Another incident where my eldest daughter had a heart-to-heart talk with me and she said to me “Dipsy why do you choose to be in a loveless, unhappy and disrespectful marriage like this, she said to me Mama you’re raising girls’ what kind of an example are you setting for us?” This hit home but still I couldn’t bring myself to walk out and worse was that I didn’t even have an answer for them both, being called out by my daughters like that was embarrassing. Looking at the man in the mirror, I would never allow myself to be disrespected and degraded in that manner just for someone to validate their insecurities and negative projections on me.

I used to walk on eggshells around him because he was super sensitive and very insecure, I always had to be cautious of his feelings. Addressing an issue with him always was an attack. He appeared to be this strong and dominant person, yet when I would stand up to him or call him on his bullshit or hold him accountable for his actions, he would always collapse into a helpless victim who is being treated unfairly. He would say that I’m spoiled, and I don’t appreciate him, a lot of women would kill to have a husband like him. Looking at the man in the mirror, I would never again allow myself to be manipulated and oppressed like that, that I can’t even stand my ground especially when I’m fighting for what is right.

On paper my husband was perfect and would make an ideal partner, don’t get me wrong he had his good traits as well however, the bad outweighs the good. We always portrayed this perfect couple and family, yet we were far from the perfection we portrayed. Looking back, I realise that we worked hard on perfecting the public image and perception than working on having a good marriage. I say we because I’m also to blame, it takes two to tango. I protected things I was not supposed to protect, we ensured that people saw us as this loving happy couple because we would show up as very loving, happy, and perfect couple after he had just insulted or disrespected me. I take full responsibility for not being truthful and for putting up a façade when I was far from happy. Looking at the man in the mirror, I would never again allow myself to compromise my happiness and lie just to protect someone’s image of what they would like the world to perceive and see them.

The sad reality is I loved that man with all my heart that I disregarded how bad he treated or wronged me, I just couldn’t bring myself to be angry at him because all I ever wanted was for him to see me the way I wanted to be seen, love me the way I deserved to be loved, I yearned for his attention and time but I was denied them all. Looking at the man in the mirror, I will never again allow my heart to be crushed like that ever again nor be made to feel inferior, not to be loved, seen and respected the way I deserve ever again especially by a person who is supposed to love and protect my heart.

A good friend once sent me this poem by Frida Kahlo, famous Mexican painter when I shared the perfume story with her:

I’m not going to ask you to kiss me

Neither ask for forgiveness when I believe that you have done wrong

or that you have made a mistake.

Nor am I going to ask you to hug me when I need it the most

or to invite me to dinner on our anniversary.

I’m not going to ask you to go around the world

to live new experiences much less

ask you to give me your hand when we are in that city.

I’m not going to ask you to tell me how pretty I’ am

even if it’s a lie or that you write me anything nice.

Nor will I ask you to call me to tell me

how your day was or tell me you miss me.

I’m not going to ask you to thank me for everything I do for you,

for you to worry about me when my moods are down

and of course I will not ask you to support me in my decisions.

I’m not going to ask you to listen to me when I have a thousand

stories to tell you.

I’m not going to ask you to do anything,

not even to stay by my side forever.

Because if I have to ask you

I do not want it anymore.

My journey continues, I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life. Mercy Rewrote My Life🙏🏽 I'm An Overcomer, A Very Beautiful Story👑❤️😍Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🌸💃🏽🥂

For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was - James 1:23-24🙏🏾🙏🏾

Love & Light

Dipsy❤️