WHY NOT ME?

 Most of the time we feel that bad things shouldn’t happen to us, I am no different. However, in 2020 when my mom passed away, I found myself lost. I had just lost a big part of me, something inside of me just died with her, she was my mother, my best friend, my support structure, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, my shopping buddy & stylist, my prayer warrior, the very foundation of my being. The pain I felt was too deep, this was one of the most traumatic things one can experience. She left a void that no one could ever fill because there is no love in this world like a mother’s love. My heart was ripped, I felt empty and lost because my mother not only loved us, but she helped us survive and become who we are today. I questioned God, I cried a lot, I felt regret, I wanted to spend more time with her and I had a lot of WHY’S?

I had a lot of questions, the most consistent question I found myself asking a lot was Why Me God? Does this sound familiar? We always ask God why us when life knocks us down but actually the question we should be asking isWhy Not Me? In that very moment when I was questioning God, Why Me God? I heard a still small voice whispering to me saying “If Not You Who?” At first, I thought my mind is playing games with me but it did not only happen once and if I remember correctly, I think I heard it twice or three times each time I had that question. In that moment I was shocked thinking why am I asking myself questions and answering myself because it was the last thing I expected to hear from deep within me, it went against all my expectations.

 

But the Why’s didn’t stop, Why Did I Have to Lose My Mother? now especially when I had so much I wanted to do with her? I felt regret that I didn’t spend more time with her, I wanted to lie in her bed one more time and pour out my heart to her, I wanted her to tell me it’s going to be okay Dipuo, I wanted her to pray for me one more time, I wanted her to tell me I don’t have to stay in my marriage if I’m not happy but the issue with that is I didn’t let her in on what I was going through in my marriage, I didn’t share my pain with her, I denied her the opportunity to share my pain with me while I had the chance and that will always be my biggest regret ever.

 

However that question made me reflect, it prompted me to change focus and be grateful for a lot of things. I was grateful to have had mother who loved me and my brother dearly, a mother who was there for us in every way possible, I was grateful to have had a mother who was very protective of us, I was grateful to have had a mother who supported us in everything we do, I was grateful to have had a mother who gave up her dreams so we could have ours, I was grateful to have had a mother who provided for us until the very end, I was grateful to have had a mother who helped raised my children and celebrated each of their milestones (big or small) with me proudly , loudly and unapologetically so, I was grateful to have had a mother who would drop anything just to make sure we were okay, I was grateful just to have had a mother and all the moments I got to share with her, I will forever be grateful to God, grateful that He blessed me and my brother with such a wonderful selfless being.

 

Two weeks after burying my mother, my ex-husband asked me for a divorce after I had confronted him with something he did. He felt his defence would be to hurt me and kick me when I was in my weakest moment. The sad part is, I didn’t even feel hurt by his decision, but because at that moment I was grieving my mother I just cried and I remember our children coming into our bedroom to ask why am I crying, he pretended as if nothing is wrong as if he said nothing and dismissed them and said to them Mama is crying because she’s still hurting over Koko’s passing. I didn’t cry because he asked me for a divorce, I cried because of it was brutal of him to ask me that when I was grieving my mother. In that moment I felt sorry for myself because now I’m going to have to deal with divorce while I’m still grieving my mother. I just agreed to what he said to me at that moment because I was too defeated to even think of asking questions like Why? I was numb to the pain he wanted to make me feel because to be honest there is no greater pain than the pain of losing a mother, nothing could hurt me more than how I was hurting at that very moment. I was also angry and disappointed at myself for breaking down in front of him because I had given him power over me, I hated myself in that moment. The next day I was driving from work still trying to process what my ex-husband has just said to me the previous night when I received a call from him saying he was sorry, he wasn’t thinking straight saying that he acted out of character, he doesn’t want to divorce me anymore. The way I was so used to him hurting me and turning around to be this selfless, caring and loving husband, in that moment I didn’t care if he stayed or left because the pain of losing my mother superseded the pain anyone including him could ever inflict on me, again I just agreed with what he said. Even though I had said it’s okay I forgive him and we fixed things, I felt betrayed by him that he would try to hurt me like that while I was still grieving my mother. Yet again I cried out to God asking Him Why Me? What Did I Do To Deserve Such Brutality? That still small voice whispered to me again saying If Not You Who?

 

Fast forward to February 2021, I went for my normal general check-up with my gynaecologist where the doctor immediately picked up something was wrong with me. He sent me to the lab to do further tests just to be sure of what he thought was wrong with me. 2 days later I received a call from my doctor saying that he’s booking me immediately for a minor procedure saying that I should not panic it’s just cancer cells around my cervix but because they caught them in time, they will be able to remove them. I panicked, I was confused, I had just lost my mother and in a period of 5 months I lost my uncle who we had just buried. I cried that day but I didn’t share the news with my family or my friends not even with him, I kept the news to myself.  I went and got tested for COVID-19, the results came back negative then it was time to go for my procedure. I first checked on my brother because at the time he was the only person I wanted to take me to the hospital and not my ex-husband but unfortunately that day when I asked him if he could take me to the hospital the next day, he was unfortunately travelling on a business trip. I had no choice but to ask my ex-husband, he agreed to take me. I kept quiet and didn’t share the reason why I had to go in for a minor procedure. When we got to the hospital, you’ll think I’m exaggerating but he dropped me off outside the hospital, didn’t even go in with me to check if I will be okay and make sure that I’m safely checked in. I got out of his car and went in by myself, I was hurt but God gave me strength, after I was checked in and had changed into the hospital gown I cried actually I sobbed asking God Why? Why do I have to be hurt by this man all the time? In this moment I just wanted my mother because she would understand how I feel. A nurse came into the ward, I’m sure that woman thought I’m crying because I’m scared because of the surgery. She was too kind, and without knowing why I was crying she tried to comfort me as best as she could and eventually she did as she kept on emphasizing the importance of being calm before I go under the knife, she was beyond nice. The surgery was done and my doctor informed me that all the cancer cells were removed and I was discharged to go home. Because it was during COVID time and this was just a minor procedure, I was only booked into a day hospital for the procedure and the doctor said he will treat me as a day patient hence I was discharged the same day. Guess who was on my forms as my next of kin? Yes, you guessed correctly, I put his name up because I was not supposed to drive myself and my brother had just went on a business trip. The nurse came into the ward to tell me they had just called him and he said he was busy, can I not provide another name? I said she shouldn’t worry I will take an uber, she was so concerned but she didn’t have a choice but to let me go. Immediately after I spoke to the nurse, I received a call from my ex-husband informing me that an uber is waiting for me outside the hospital, I just said to him it’s fine I’ll request one myself because I’m still in the hospital completing the discharge forms. He just screamed because I made him order an uber for me and it was waiting outside the hospital, mind you he didn’t even ask me how it went or how I felt or if I’m okay. He then called a few minutes later saying he requested another one for me and it will be there in 10 minutes. Mind you this person doesn’t even know if I can walk or what’s happening with me, I just said okay and got outside just as the uber was parking. I was so weak that when I got into the car, the nurse that accompanied me out of the hospital was so worried that she asked me if I don’t have a family member I could call instead, I reassured her that I will be fine. Once the uber left the hospital,  I immediately sent a message to my best friend and my cousin asking them to constantly check on me informing them that I just had an operation, they were shocked that I didn’t say anything. They were both so disappointed that I did not tell them at least, my BFF said she could have taken me to the hospital and they both said I’m making them out to be bad people. The truth is I didn’t want to tell anyone because there was a lot going on at the time and I just didn’t want anyone to worry because the doctor said it’s just a minor surgery and he was confident that he’s going to remove all the cancer cells. It was done anyway and I couldn’t change the fact that now I’m in the uber going home. I must say God has always carried me, He is with me always and I have no doubt about it because the uber driver was very kind he was like my guardian angel. When we got to my house he didn’t just drop me at the gate, he drove into the yard, opened the door for me and handed me over to my girls, only when he made sure I was safe he left. I asked God yet again Why Me? And again that still small voice came reminding me If Not You Who?

 

Life became even unbearable and miserable for me in my marriage, it became very cold and empty. I cried more than I was laughed until eventually we separated, and the divorce process was started. Through the process, this guy made sure that I was crushed to the core, him leaving me was not enough for him, he now had to go and tarnish my name. I wasn’t hurting because he was talking bad about me, I was hurt because he managed to manipulate everyone even the people who knew me better to believe what he was saying about me especially some of my family members and close friends. I was hurting but I never resorted to doing the same to him, I kept my silence through it all. As much as it was difficult for me to keep quiet, but I did. I did not defend or try to tell my side of the story even though people kept on saying I should say something. I did not because I know the truth, he knows the truth and most importantly God knows the truth. It wasn’t that I’m stupid but I’m not retaliating or saying anything for the sake of our children. I still want our children to respect him and I still wanted our children to love him.  I kept on telling myself that one day the truth will come out and I must share this with you, one of my close friends, said to me in the midst of all this that one he was telling her husband all the bad things that my ex-husband told her about me. She said her husband kept quiet then after she had done saying what she had said, he said to her “you’ve known Dipsy for more than 30 years, in those years you’ve been her friend don’t you think she would shown you all those things that now you believe about her? She said her husband said nobody can pretend for that long, they’re bound to show you their true colours in one way or the other”. After she said that to me, I thanked and praised God because He said in His Word in Psalm 37:6 - 8 “He will vindicate you in broad daylight, and publicly defend your just cause. Wait patiently for the LORD! Wait confidently for him! Do not fret over“. I rejoiced because I was vindicated through a person who doesn’t know me that well, the truth is surely but slowly coming out, Praise the Lord! The questions didn’t stop though, I kept on asking God Why Me God? What Did I Do To Deserve Such? the same still voice kept on reminding me If Not You Who?

 

In a very long time until now in October I was reminded again of this question that kept on being whispered to me all the time If Not You Who? Because something happened where my ex-husband said something again to a family member that I asked again Why Me God? When Is This Going To End? Will I Ever Have Peace? This time I didn’t hear that still small voice however I was convicted through a show I was listening to on Radio while driving to work. I was listening to a discussion on Impact Radio and this woman was saying we feel like why should it be us always doing good, always sacrificing etc. and she said something that stuck with me, she said no matter how you feel do good anyway, do it tired, do it defeated… It just took me back to that still small voice and it got me thinking and asking myself these questions: WHY NOT ME? Why Must It Be Someone Else Going Through What I Went/Going Through? If Not Me Then Who? Why Would I Want Someone To Go Through All That Torture & Heartache? I still have a lot ofWHYs but I have peace, peace that sometimes scares me and I’m happy, I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m thankful to God that I’m not where I used to be, I’m okay I’m on my way to healing and restoration.

 

I believe God has a greater purpose for my life hence He trusted me with the pain. I’m now able to use and turn my pain into my superpower. My pain reminds me that I am resilient, it validates my ability to endure, recover and find meaning in the midst of my chaos. Most importantly I can draw wisdom from the pain and even though I complain sometimes about the days when I don't feel my best, I’m thankful and grateful every day for the times when I am resilient and things go my way. I am who I am today because God used all my mistakes and what was meant to destroy me and worked them for my good, now more than ever I know that this journey was necessary for me!

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰 I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. - 1 Peter 5:10🙏🏾🙏🏾

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit - Psalm 34:18🙏🏾🙏🏾

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything - James 1:2-4🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚