HOPE IN A HOPELESS SITUATION

Keeping hope alive is an important part of our daily lives, hope keeps us alive, positive and looking forward to the future. We all need to take time to pause, it is the best action you can take to find that ray of hope again. If we give up hope, it leaves us in a place of despair and depression. Hope encourages us to be persistent even when we face life’s setbacks.

We hope for the best in everything we do, we all want the best outcomes. In a marriage we all hope for unconditional acceptance, unconditional love, respect, to be seen, to be heard and to be appreciated for the person that we are. We hope that we at least use these words please, thanks and sorry constantly because we are all not perfect and we’re not entitled. However, this is not the case for everyone, we are all wired differently and raised differently. Some of us are raised to respect and be kind because respect is earned, that we should treat others as we would want to be treated. Some of us were raised to believe that we are entitled to everything and we can disrespect people as we please.

Marriage is meant to be a beautiful sanctuary, a safe place that offers unconditional and sacrificial love, a love that hopes, forgives, protects, celebrates, serves, strengthens and nurtures. The kind of love that should be attentive, caring, honours the other spouse, offers happiness and intimacy. A marriage relationship requires a lot of patience in order for it to grow deeper and richer, it has to be kept fresh and nurtured.  To maintain a lasting love means you have to work hard as a couple to guard your marriage against failure.

Most of the time I could see that I’m in a hopeless situation, but I tried my best to keep hope alive, I prayed for my marriage and fasted a lot. I would pray that God would give my ex-husband a fresh new love for me and I hoped that one day he would see me and love me the way I deserve to be loved but unfortunately this was not destined to be. My marriage taught me a very valuable lesson, I got to learn that people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime to fulfil a purpose and I truly believe that he was in my life for a season and he fulfilled his purpose. Learning this helped to accept that there is no hope for us, I eventually let go, made peace with us getting a divorce and not fighting for a hopeless situation. I must say I had a problem with accepting my divorce at first because it was difficult for me to accept that the man that had actually done me so wrong for so many years has the audacity to leave me when I should be the one leaving him, him telling me that he was not happy in our marriage made me even more angry because I had once said to him I am not happy and his response to me was my happiness is my responsibility. I became very angry and bitter because I honestly felt that I was worthy of being loved and I didn’t want to detach from this marriage because of what I have hoped for and my expectations. I still had hope in us even though my ex-husband was emotionally unavailable for me, there were a lot of unresolved conflict, past hurts and unresolved trauma and besides throughout the years we had both changed.

I hoped that we would have that emotional connection again, I hoped that the spark would return, I hoped that we would once again be back to that place where I was comfortable around him and open with him about anything and everything.

I hoped for restored communication, where we would be able to discuss things either positive or negative. I hoped that we would move from sweeping issues under the rug and actually solve them as they arise.

I hoped for days when the communication would no longer be confrontational or aggressive, where we would no longer argue a lot, constantly picking fights with each other, unwilling to patch things up. I hoped for times when we would move away from constant disagreements that lead us to anger. I hoped for being able to raise concerns without being dismissed, minimised, denied, disregarded or ridiculed. I hope for when I could be confident enough to say I can change my negative behaviours and influence his as well.

I hoped for emotional intimacy, where we could share our thoughts and feelings in a way that was trusting, safe, and vulnerable.

I hoped for when I could trust him again, where I did not feel uneasy, fearful where I would not even be open and vulnerable to him.

I hoped for the times when we will be supporting each other and having the same goals. I hoped for the time we will be supporting, encouraging and celebrating each other through everything and not having your partner there during important times showing disconnect. I hoped for the times when we will want same things, plan for the same goals, make time for each other and be happy as a couple where we would be able to realign our hopes.

I hoped for the times where we could imagine a future together because at the rate it was going I don’t even think we saw or dreamed of a future together. I hoped for the times where we would co-create our lives and partnership where we could discuss our future plans together again.

I remember towards the collapse of my marriage, my youngest daughter actually tried to salvage and save what was left of our marriage because she was also hopeful that it could be saved. She arranged dinner for me and her dad, she had us do quizzes and in the end she played us a video she had made reminding us of where our love started and what we stand to lose, asking us to forgive one another where we’ve hurt and wronged each other and start over. The way my ex-husband cried that day you would have thought he was going to change and there was hope. I actually believed that he was genuine because he made a commitment to me and our daughter but as always it was short lived.

After that attempt from my daughter to save us, I had to accept that I’m hoping in a hopeless situation and I came to a painful realisation that for as long I’m the only one hoping, my marriage doesn’t have any chance of surviving. One of my painful realities was that I knew deep down that my ex-husband doesn’t see me the way he used to anymore, but I still hoped.

I hoped that when he turned a certain age, he was going to change and as one of my friends said to me when I told her that I had hoped for him to change, she said “Dipsy, my sister he has changed but not in a way you had wanted”.

I stopped hoping for us to be that happy couple that everyone thought we were, I stopped hoping that I would someday be happy, I stopped hoping that I would ever be loved the way I deserved to be. I hoped all these things for us because I chose him over me. 

I tell myself this every day: No matter how hard it is, no matter how hard it gets, I’m going to make it because I know that for “As long as you feel the pain, you're still alive. As long as you keep trying, there is still hope. Don't ever lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out - Anonymous”.

My hope is now for different things, I hope for the best things to happen in my life. Because hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness and hope is the only thing stronger than fear. I’m choosing to hope again because I know where there is hope there is life and once I choose to hope, anything is possible.

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me, I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 I Am A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

Quiet your heart in His presence and pray; keep hope alive as you long for God to come through for you - Psalm 37:7🙏🏾🙏🏾

Love & Light

Dipsy💚