I AM A BEAUTIFUL STORY

 

Where I am right now, the space I’m in I’m very happy and at peace with how my life is turning out to be. I’m grateful for the journey because everything I went through in my marriage was necessary to get me where I am today. God used my mistakes and He is still using them for my good. 

 

I got married in 1999 when all my peers were having fun, living their best lives and travelling the world. When I met my ex-husband I was young and naïve, but I wouldn’t change anything about my journey as it led me to the place I am right now and what I know now allows me to make better decisions and move forward focusing my energy on progress rather than regret.

 

Here's the thing as much as I thought we had a lot in common, looking back it’s not the case. He was not invested in making this marriage work as much as I did. We got married in October 1998 six months just after we started dating (worst mistake because I never got to know him and also I was still trying to figure out who I was as a person). I was so in love with him and I believed he was in love with me, we wanted different things in life and unfortunately I only realised that later in our marriage.  After we got married, we moved into our first home together and I got pregnant with our eldest daughter, unfortunately that’s where all hell broke loose. Things changed in my marriage, I could feel that I was no longer appreciated like I used to be, I was no longer a priority and worse the respect also left the building. A year later that I gave birth to our first child, God blessed us with my youngest daughter. I could see the red flags, him staying out too late, working absurd hours, leaving home very early in the name of beating the traffic, weekends he would leave the house very early and come back when we’re asleep, Sundays I would wake up with the girls and go to church and we would come back to an empty house because he would say o ya/ile majiteng through all this I remained a faithful wife convincing myself that maybe the girls are just too much for him as they were like twins and it was overwhelming for me too.

 

When my youngest daughter was 3 months old, my husband moved out leaving me with two infants without a source of income. I depended on my parents and family (maternal side of the family, small family but very supportive). He left because he was told that I’m bewitching him by our then maid and I was treated bad from his side of the family, my parents tried to intervene, but it didn’t help and then it was decided that we will divorce. The two months that he moved out he didn’t really provide for us, I remember he went grocery shopping for me and the kids with his mom. I’m not joking when I say the grocery that he bought for me and the girls was to shame me actually, just to list a few items that were bought tin fish 155g (the smallest tin), pack of tastic rice 1kg, onions, tomatoes, no meat, no veggies and there were baby things in there, can I tell you my youngest daughter had Eczema right and it was severe, everything that was bought was everything I was not supposed to use for her. That motivated me to say that as soon as I’m back at work I’m going to work hard so that I never find myself in that situation ever again.

 

I was married but lonely, I would get the silent treatment, I tiptoed around him, I apologized for things I did not do. It was difficult, I remember at some point we went on a couples trip to Maputo there was football team that was staying in the same hotel as us and I took a picture with one football players. Yoh guys believe you me when I say all hell broke loose, I was accused of all sort of things you could ever imagine and told that if I want him then I should just go with him, stop wasting his time & embarrassing him. I was crushed but didn’t want to ruin the trip for the other couples so I just suppressed whatever I was feeling at that time and acted happy when I was dying inside but I only shared with my BFF what had just happened after we took pictures because she could see something was not right with me. 

 

As the girls were growing, I found ways to entertain myself to try and fill the void, I had a monthly social gathering with my girlfriends. I was the one organizing the trips to entertain the kids and I would be disappointed when people would just drop at the last minute and I would push that whoever is available we should please go. Because I didn’t want to be in my space alone as I had now become this angry and bitter woman and most of the time I would take out my anger on my the girls which was bad and not okay for their wellbeing. I became an expert in suppressing my emotions, I would portray and paint this perfect picture of our family in public protecting him and my emotional scars. I didn’t realize that by me avoiding conflict to keep the peace I was starting a toxic war inside myself that caused damage that will take years to fix.

 

Family events we would go in two separate cars or I would go alone and if I don’t go especially on his side of the family I would be verbally abused and made to think that I have a problem and I hate people especially on his side of the family.

 

2006 my dad was hospitalised, he fell seriously ill on the day of our white wedding and we all could see that it was his final days, the day my dad died he was in Rustenburg accompanying a friend to a party even though I had asked and begged him not to go because I have a bad feeling about my dad. He just went anyway despite me pleading with him not to go and my dad passed away that evening. I was angry at him, cried because I knew my protector was gone. The funny thing is that week he was very supportive, showed up in a way that a partner should show up and support their significant other in time of need. But get this I will not and could never take away from him that he is a very supportive person when everyone goes through difficult time, when you have an event, he will show up shem and then turn his back as if nothing’s happened. I learned to smile through my pain and disappointments, but inside I was an empty shell, I was dying a slow death.

 

The girls were now my friends, my smile keepers and the people who gave me hope that things will go back to where they were one day. I used to do everything and anything with them, they were always by my side. I tried to keep the hope alive, but the verbal abuse got worse, my ex-husband was that person who verbally abuse you and then shower you with something that he knows you love. The thing is people would say but why didn’t you walk away? I must be honest when there are kids involved it’s difficult. And some would say but why would you then accept his gifts? The best way I can explain this, it’s like after punishing a child then a few minutes later you give them candy, they forget about what you did to them, in an abusive relationship it’s like that you get abused and the person buys you something that they know you love and then you get excited and forget about what they did to you. It’s a vicious circle and you want it to stop but you just can’t remove yourself from the situation. I used to cry myself to sleep, I so much wanted to leave my marriage but every time I would tell myself that I’m being selfish, I grew up in a family environment and here I am I want to take that privilege from my children but what I didn’t know then was that I was slowly damaging them emotionally.

 

2010 I was pregnant with my son, when he was born it seemed like things are changing for the better because he was now making himself present. He would come home early, we would eat dinner together and he would be there for us in a way that he was supposed to as the head of the family. 2011 he was retrenched and all my problems started over again and this time it was worse than before.

 

2013 I found out that he was cheating on me, but I found out by accident because he was very clever about the way he did his things. He then convinced me that he’s never and will never do that to me. He was a smooth talker of note, a manipulator, he would get away with murder anytime I promise you. That man would make you feel like you are crazy because at that point I even felt bad of accusing him when he did nothing.

 

Here’s a thing not only was he an absent partner but he was also an absent father. I remember when he got retrenched I was so excited that he will take the responsibility of taking our kids to school boy was I wrong. He would tell me straight that he did not leave his job for me to abuse him and make him take our kids to school, he said I made the decision to take the kids to that school then I should take them. I was alone, not only for taking the kids to school but also school activities, I would always show up alone as if I’m a single parent. I can count the number of times he showed up for our kids at school event and it won’t even be a handful. People who knew that he was no longer employed would ask me why isn’t he taking the kids to school and I would always make up excuses for him protecting him, making him out to be this great partner.  I remember this one time, there was an event at the children’s school and my daughter asked him to be there, he promised to come. We bought tickets and the day of the event he said he had to work and I sold the tickets to one of my friends, my daughter was disappointed and she cried saying that he promised her he would come this time. I felt helpless because I didn’t even know how to comfort her.

2014 My eldest daughter lost her phone and he said his friend bought a new phone, he’s supposed to find a buyer for him for his old phone so while he was still checking which phone to get my daughter, she should that phone temporarily. Guess what my daughter found very compromising pictures of her dad with another woman. Once again I was this naïve stupid fool because I believed him when he said in his line of work ladies ask him for pictures all the time, that is nothing he would never cheat on me ever.

 

The red flags were there I was just too blind to see them even though they were right there in my face. However, this time around even though I believed him but it didn’t feel right, I was hurt by his betrayal and something inside of me died because my trust for him was broken and that part of my soul was damaged. I felt empty and started doubting myself thinking I’m not enough! But then again I said to myself that we have children I have to forgive and move past the hurt. Fast forward a few months later the very same girl/lady was with him in Polokwane and he claimed it was his friends girlfriend. Don’t judge because I have already judged myself I was naïve and stupid but I know that it wasn’t God’s time for me to know and see through him hence I remained so oblivious about what was happening.

 

It got worse because now he was dictating my social life, I would be given curfews which by the way he never had. Then he started choosing for me where I should go and made sure that wherever I go I’m with the kids. I was not allowed to have male friends because I would be accused of cheating with them. Greeting his friends and being nice to them would mean that I was flirting with them because he was so insecure, I would be humiliated in public when my former male school friends would greet me in his presence. I decided for my peace of mind and our peace at home to only visit my home (my mother), my BFF, friends that he approved but mostly family ka itswela mo dilong tse dintsi basically this man controlled my life because he was scared that I would see what he was doing.

 

In 2016 I was given an opportunity to go to Germany on an international assignment by my company. I was hoping that we would restore what we had, that he would see me and love me the way I was supposed to be loved and appreciated. I was so excited for this trip because I thought God has finally answered my prayers and now, we will finally be a happy family again. Boy was I wrong, we lived in 2 different continents, he was in South Africa more than he was in Germany and guess what one of the benefits I had was that he gets a car. That car was forever parked in the garage, I would book holidays for us as a family and he would not come with us. Out of all the holidays we went on with the he kids he only joined us for 2, when we went to Italy (the first trip went to when we got to Germany) and when we went to Hungary (Budapest) for his birthday. I just have to share this with you, out of the goodness of my heart and being the good woman that I am, when we got to Germany I felt bad that he left home, his familiar place just to be with me and the kids. Guess what I gave him my bank card because I was the only one with an income so I was the only one allowed to have a bank account then. So now with him now being in charge of the- bank card, he would require that I have to explain myself when I want to buy something for myself or the kids. This one time because he used to just decide while I’m at work and the kids at school that he’s coming to South Africa and just book a plane ticket and send me a message to say he’s gone. Something in me said ask him if he left the bank card, unfortunately I only remembered to ask him this in the evening so I had to wait for him to get off the flight in the morning to respond and guess what he said he forgot to leave it. Remember this was the only card we had neh and Germany is not like South Africa where you go to the branch and they issue out a new card immediately, you have to go into the branch apply for a new card and it takes about 2 weeks to get to you. Now he knew we buy groceries every Saturday because in Germany you also can’t buy a month’s supply of food like here at home because food spoils easily there. Now here I am with 3 kids no money and it’s Friday, the following day I have to go buy groceries, you know God gave me wisdom. I remembered that my South African bank card works there and I just transferred the funds into my South African card and my problems were solved.  At some point he was stuck here at home because he didn’t have money to travel back to Germany, I had to speak to my banker to transfer the money so that he can come back to Germany. By the way the company offered him the opportunity to study while we were abroad, but he didn’t use the opportunity to develop himself and only God knows why or at least try to work.

 

2016 my mother-in-law passed away hey ka tla ka bona metlholo, one of his baby mamas was in charge, when we arrived with my children from Germany I had already made a decision that I will give them all space and just go support my children because you know mos gore us women, one will ride hard for you and tell you all the horrible things done behind your back. One of the baby mamas the way ne go lla sa gage setlhako forgot even I got to the house that I’m the Mrs and she’s just a baby mama. Anyway on the day of the funeral we went to bury my mother-in-law, I wasn’t even acknowledged in the obituary but it was fine actually I would have been surprised if I would have been acknowledged. Little did I know that one of his then girlfriends was there as well to support his man, I decided to book an earlier flight back to Germany for me and my children for my sanity and peace of mind. When I got back to Germany I felt I needed to confront him about everything that was happening at the funeral but instead of him hearing me and acknowledging my pain he was angry with me and never spoke to me until we came back home for Christmas. I again found out that while we were away he was busy shem. That December it was miserable for me, I even regretted going home for the holidays but once again he managed to convince me gore it was a mistake and he will never do that again that he loves me and the children and he doesn’t want to lose us blah blah blah…. Like a stupid again I gave him yet another chance.

 

2018 we returned to South Africa, now the nightmare that I lived before was nothing compared to what was about to unfold. Now this man was on a rampage, it’s like he was on a race to get a prize for cheating. This is where now he got exposed because now we would sitting and he would get messages from his mistresses, asking him for money, mobile phones, lunches etc. That time at home we know him to be broke that he couldn’t even buy groceries. One day I don’t know what got to me but I decided to unlock his phone and go into his messages, believe you me when I say I was never ready because wow this man was busy shem and with girls as young as his eldest daughter even our youngest daughter. This was actually embarrassing reading messages where your husband is asking young girls for their nudes. You would think that this would be the last straw for me but then again he managed to manipulate me and I once again like a fool believed him and stayed. I remember my BFF asking me why can’t this man stop because God is busy exposing him? And honestly I was also asking myself the same question and had no answers. Little did I know that what I found is nothing compared to what I would learn later after we had separated when I learned this man actually managed to lead a double life and I didn’t even recognize the man I thought I knew and married. One of my friends the other day mentioned to me that she doesn’t think there’s ever a time I was married to this man that he didn’t have a side chick and she said that it pains them that they couldn’t tell me as they didn’t want to hurt me.

 

I prayed for my marriage like my life depended on it, in my prayer circle we used to pray for my marriage. But it seemed like the more we prayed the more it became worse, the verbal abuse, the silent treatment and the disrespect continued. It was sad, I was not happy at all but I always convinced myself that one day it’ll get better. One sad reality about women in abusive relationships/marriages be it physical, emotional, sexual, verbal abuse etc. is that you would get abused a few moments later the person comes with something that they know you love or have been wanting for a very long time, once they do that and they apologise you forget about the abuse and focus on your short-lived happiness which is sad because it’s a narcissistic manipulative behaviour. No woman wants to be abused or disrespected but you somehow find yourself in that helpless situation because the abuser is very cunning.

 

With all that happened to me in my marriage I believe that I AM A BEAUTIFUL STORY because God walked and is still walking the journey with me. I could have been sick but here I am healthy and still standing. I could have been dead but God preserved my life so I can testify of His goodness. I could have been a mad woman in a mental institution but here I am walking my healing journey. My journey wasn’t easy but it was all worth it and after all is said and done I can safely say I’m now in a place where I can reflect, heal, grow and find peace!

 

I’m walking the forgiveness journey which is not easy but through help from family and loved ones, a lot of prayer, people standing in the gap for me and people holding me accountable I’m walking that journey boldly. Forgiveness is slowly setting my spirit free, it is a gentle breeze that is clearing the fog of bitterness, revealing a new horizon of peace and most importantly I’m getting healed. Forgiving him does not mean what he did to me is okay and it’s not for him but it’s a process and a journey I’m walking setting myself free.

 

I will not take away from the life I lived with that man and the mistakes I made because everything happens for a reason and I believe there’s a greater purpose for me having gone through all that pain and rejection. I forgive myself for allowing the process to get me to place of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and also to allow myself to take in the judgement especially from women who have never walked a mile in my shoes. As women we have a lot of opinions about other women for some reason because of a man we would think we have an opinion and a right to talk trash about our fellow sisters and judge them. We’re very shady towards other women, we’re other women's biggest enemies, we’re are other women’s oppressors, we’re hypercritical of appearance, intellect and personal choices. We gossip, backtalk, criticise and make sure the world knows EXACTLY what we think about our fellow sisters especially those going through divorce or abuse. We play a major role in breaking and degrading other women which is absolutely uncalled for especially because a person who is in a toxic relationship should only be showered with love, protection and support not judgement.

 

To all the women going through the most right now I say to you, whatever you’re facing my sister, know that you’re not alone and it’s not the end of your story. God is with you and will always be just as He Has been and is with me through my journey.

 

I’m more grateful for the life I lived with ex-husband because it made me a stronger person, I learned that healing begins with me bravely acknowledging what I've been through, my pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment etc., it helped me set boundaries (now I know what I will and cannot tolerate) and it helped me appreciate as well as be grateful for each passing day. Walking this forgiveness journey helps me create a life filled with joy, peace and purpose.

 My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me, I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 I Am A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well - Psalm 139:14🙏🏽🙏🏽

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come - Proverbs 31:25🙏🏽🙏🏽

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised - Proverbs 31:30🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚