NOT EASY BUT WORTH IT

Marriage is a work in progress, it is hard but it requires commitment to each other, it requires both partners to commit to loving each other even after years of marriage. It’s okay to drift apart occasionally, that’s marriage life however this phase should not be allowed to continue for long because eventually all the love will be lost. Marriage requires a lot of work from both partners.

 

I got married at the age of 23 and by the age of 46 I was already preparing to be divorced. I was young and naïve, I thought he loved me but now I realise he was just in love with the fact that he was dating this beautiful lady that nobody knew, I mistook infatuation for love because I now know that this man is capable of loving only himself.  When we first got together, he made me feel appreciated and treated me like a queen, I thought or I was made to believe that we dreamed the same dreams, we loved and were interested in the same things but I was totally wrong.

 

As a married couple we’re bound to grow as individuals, after all people change and evolve. It is important that this process for a married couple not be interfered with all because we’re in a marriage relationship. We need to support each other and cheer each other as we improve and grow. We have to work together to accept the changes, be excited together, terrified together and even angry together but most importantly grow together. Both have to work on building trust and ensuring that it won’t be broken because broken trust is hard to mend.

 

Growing becomes a big issue if the other party is not growing and there aren’t any changes or aspirations of growth. This creates an environment where there would be constant criticism, defensiveness, contempt, shutting down, withdrawing and emotionally disengaging from conversations and interactions. This eventually leads to consistent arguing/conflict, poor communication, emotional distancing, disinterest in spending time together, and with time the relationship no longer meets the emotional and psychological needs of one or both partners.

 

We ended up wanting different things, dreaming differently and in us not wanting the same things made him lose interest and I became emotionally drained, frustrated and alone in our marriage. It was clear that he was no longer vested in our marriage but I was in denial, him being out every day of the week, criticizing me at every turn, being defensive and disengaging. He was and absent husband and father, he prioritized the streets, friends and partying more than he did family. I would be alone with friends and family at the children schools events, we would attend most of family events in separate cars, he would always leave us at events to go to an event somewhere all in the name of working. He had a very active social life, he was booked for meetings everyday of the week. I used to go to bed with my husband out somewhere in the streets and he would come in just before we woke up with the kids or sometimes even after we had just woken up. It was a lonely ride not only for me but for our children as well. I remember once in Germany, the girls had a concert and he was not going to make it because he had to go somewhere with his friend and he got the girls to ask the teachers to get them to be the first to perform because he has to be with his friend by a certain time. There was one at home where it was a family event at the children’s school, that day it was just me and the kids who went because my BFF (partner in crime and co-parent) was working and my mother was sick, it was so awkward for me because everyone was with their spouses and their children but I as always was alone with our children. At some point while the kids were playing and mingling with their friends, it felt awkward because even though I was sitting around a group of friends, they all were there with their spouses and I was alone. Another one where he prioritised work, our youngest daughter’s graduation he wasn’t there. A lot of our children’s milestones I was there alone or with my mother (when she was still alive) or with my brother or with my BFF. When he lost his job, he made a decision that he’s not going to go back into the corporate world, he will start a business. At that time our children used to go to school in the EAST of Pretoria, so you can imagine the distance from the North of Pretoria as well as the hectic morning traffic. I would wake in the morning to take the kids to school while he would be sleeping and when I ask if he could take the kids to school, I would be told that I’m the one who made the decision the kids to school that far, I should take them because the reason he’s home is because he doesn’t want to be in traffic. You would think in the afternoons he would fetch the kids, no it would still be me. I started a lift club with our friends and we would alternate with them taking the kids t school in the morning and me fetching them in the afternoon. The sad part was our friends, the wife and the husband used to alternate in taking the kids to school but I would be alone. My children were the first to get to school and the last ones to leave. God has always been good to me because there was this one particular teacher who would sacrifice her afternoons just to stay with my children. I remember this one time the traffic was bad going to fetch my children and way past the time I normally fetch them, I cried alone in the car thinking of that poor woman who’s sacrificing her afternoons to stay behind with my children and now it’s going to seem like I’m taking advantage. In that very moment I thought of my dad that should he be alive this man wouldn’t be treating me and my children like this because even though I don’t talk about my dad much but he was my rock and my protector.

 

I tried to get help but this only helps if both of you want to be there and when you get there you tell the truth. We went to therapy but it didn’t help, we got family interventions but it didn’t help, we tried older couples that have been married for a very long time seeking counsel and wisdom but it didn’t work. Even though none of the things I mentioned here work, it was all worth it because I can safely say I tried, I fought for my marriage and didn’t give up easily. At some point while we were in still in Germany, I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and trying to make him feel my pai and see that how’s he’s treating me is actually destroying our marriage hoping he would change but being the person that he was, the super sensitive person he didn’t feel my pain instead he saw it as an attack and that is when I really got more confirmation that my marriage doesn’t have any chance of surviving.

 

I had to learn no matter how good I was to him or any other person, it wouldn’t have made him nor does it make any other person be good to me. Even if I loved him enough thinking he would finally see my worth, he wouldn’t have because it was not what he wanted. I had to learn that self-love is the starting point not a reward for fixing a person. I mistook his controlling behaviour for love, his brokenness for a test/challenge I should take on. I believed that love could conquer all but now I understand and know that the most loving thing one can do for themselves is letting go. I had to learn that my worth isn’t tied to my ability to restore him or any other person but that I am enough just as I am and deserve the love that sees that.

All this that happened only made me more resilient, better able to endure hardships. The pain and the hurt actually warn us, correct us, guide us and bring us to Jesus. Through my pain I was reminded of my dependence upon the Lord, I was reminded that through my pain God wanted me to Trust Him, Lean on Him and Know that He is at work for good in my life. God allowed me to go through the pain and suffering because He wanted to wake me up! I know now that everything I went through in my marriage was necessary to get me where I am today. God used my mistakes and He is still using them for my good.

 

My journey was not easy but it was worth it, I’m now in a place where I can reflect, heal, grow and find my peace! After all is said and done I can safely say I tried my best, I loved as hard as I could, I stayed the course and I have no regrets.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me, I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 I Am A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world - John 16:33🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚