MARRIAGE, DIVORCE AND FINANCES

 

In an ideal marriage a husband is a provider and should be proud of that however in reality a lot of women are increasingly taking the financial responsibility for the household onto their own shoulders. It was no different to me, most of our household financial responsibilities were upon my shoulders, I didn’t mind or complain because I thought we were a team and in any case we have to support each other where one falls short.

 

I was the breadwinner basically because my ex-husband was a hustler. Being a breadwinner becomes a problem if one of the parties continually dumps their responsibilities on the other spouse. My ex-husband would be expected to do some things within the household that we agreed he would take care of and he would say he is broke and me being the good wife that I was 90% of the time I would to step in. However, it’s sad that when I would ask him to bail me out of a situation he would expect me to pay him back. I remember this one time we were returning from Germany and I had to pay 50k deposit for our children’s school fees. I asked him to pay it for me because I knew he had the money at the time as I had to put in a 32 days notice to access the money. Guess what he paid and made me pay him back his money, a deposit for his own children’s school fees. This one time our daughters were getting ready for matric farewell and he had to take them to the salon to do their hair, now my eldest daughter wanted to dye her hair and they said the dye she wanted they had to bleach her hair first. This man called me and told me that my daughter is getting her hair bleached and they say it’s going to be R180 more than what I gave him for her hair so he will pay it and I will reimburse him when they got home. I honestly thought he was joking until he made me pay it back. He would “supposedly” buy me cars which he would make me believe that he would pay for the next thing I know I would be the one paying for that cars except for the last car he bought for me the Landcruiser which he did buy for me and didn’t make me pay him back.

 

I can mention a few times I bailed him out and didn’t expect reimbursement from him. This other time, he was stuck in SA and didn’t have money for the ticket to fly back to Germany and I arranged for him to get the money to buy the ticket. There was this one time when me and our biological children were going to Austria for a holiday and just before we left his other children were coming to visit because they wanted to see us before we go. He was responsible for buying groceries, and he asked me to buy groceries because he is broke and he voluntarily promised to pay me back, I remember telling him I also don’t have much on me because the money I have most of it is our pocket money ad the rest would be to take care of my household responsibilities and sustain me for the month, but he never did and I also decided to not ask about it. There’s a lot of things I could mention that I ended up being my responsibility that he was supposed to take care of.

 

The one thing that pains me the most is when he used to disappoint the kids when he was supposed to do something for them which by the way still does. I was talking to my girls this past weekend and they told me something that I think I will never forgive myself for, because by me staying in that marriage I was indirectly abusing my children and violating their right to be taken care of. They mentioned to me that when they went to Vega, I was responsible for paying for all my children’s tuition fees which I still am by the way. My ex-husband promised to take care of their transport money  because they lived at home with us as well as their pocket money. I learned this past Sunday that he would never even give them pocket money and from the money that he have them for transport because it was bit more, they would save some and buy McDonald meal and share it, one would eat fries and one would eat the burger. Guys this broke me and when I asked them why didn’t they tell me, they said because he already blamed them for everything going wrong in our marriage they didn’t want to cause more problems, they saw that I was not okay with what they just shared with me because I kept on apologising and they said don’t worry Mama because Koko (my mother) once she learned of our situation she started sending us money for food every day. Then one of the girls said even when he used to take us to school, he would drop us at the Atterbury Road off Ramp, he would not give us pocket and we would walk to school. I cried when I learned of this because my youngest daughter then went on to say to me and I quote “but Mama do you really think we are this broken for nothing” yoh that put a nail in my already bleeding heart. In that moment I made a vow that my son will never have to experience what the girls experienced while I’m still able to provide for him. The sad part he’s already experiencing that side that I always protected him of dad. He would ask him for something and he would say to him “that someone is using him to ask him for money or things he should stop it”. I laugh when I see the messages because my son would then come and show me because he is exposing himself instead even after all that he did to me I still advocate for him to my children as I don’t want them to be bitter and angry at him. 

 

Marriage is supposed to be a foundation of economic and social stability and contrary to that divorce is the end of a legal contract with which the individuals’ financial lives have been joined.  Nonetheless finances shouldn’t be the reason for staying in an unhappy marriage (that is often the case). It is important to be aware of the financial implications of divorce. I do not care who says what but divorce affects ones financial stability and future goals, without a doubt your life becomes different whether you were involved with household finances or not while you were married. The list of responsibilities is overwhelming but at the same time it is empowering because now you get to make your own financial decisions and you are fully in control of your own destiny.  

 

Life after divorce should be approached with a calculated mindset as rebuilding ones life financially is a difficult task. I had to adjust a lot financially, almost all the children’s expenses I have to carry on my own as if I’m a single parent.  What I fail to understand though is that why should a parent be forced to take care of their children financially? Especially when you claim that you love your children so much, divorce doesn’t mean you divorce your responsibilities from your children. The sad reality is some families entertain this we do not hold our brothers accountable and force them to do what is right for their children. My ex-husband deliberately disregards the court order and in the process I’m made to be the villain, he once said to me I’m bitter and don’t want to see him moving on and being happy hence I want to put him under financial torture when I was just merely asking him how are we going to share the costs of our children according to the court order because it requires us to go 50/50 on all financial costs especially when it comes to our son. I was disappointed with his response and I decided I’m not going to fight with him because I won’t win and I decided to let the law take it’s course and now again I’ve done wrong because I’m bitter. Even through the legal process he still refuses to contribute towards our son’s expenses. What’s sad is that my ex-husband when we discuss the children’s financial requirements he always tarnish my reputation and say that because he has moved on and happy with his new girlfriend I’m bitter hence I want to put him under financial torture. How is it that you being required to take care of your children financially equate to the other party being bitter?  This doesn’t make sense at all because you can move on but guy take care of your children and stop acting childish. After one of the court appearances, my attorney went to talk to him and his attorney trying to negotiate with them for him to assist at least in buying our son’s uniform and stationery as he was starting a new school and it was expensive but he said to my attorney that I’m bitter because he has a girlfriend, he said he won’t help me buy uniform and stationery because he paid the deposit for our son at his new school and this he only paid because I refused to pay. I was never ready for what my attorney said to me after he had a chat with them, he said to me “ausi Dipuo your ex-husband plays victim and even his expression when he tells his story he is believable you would feel sorry for him. He then said if I didn’t know your side of the story and had not seen the receipts, I would honestly would have believed him and he said it’s now me being honest with you”. I was shocked to hear that and he then continued and said “if you have anyone whom you’re disappointed in because they believed your husband, you should forgive them because the way he presents himself you are indeed an ungrateful bitter and evil ex-wife who doesn’t appreciate because he does so much for his children”. Yoh guys I was never ready but ke ipeile pila nou, I understand why people think I’m bitter and ungrateful. Ke le tshwaretse neh lona ba le naganang gore ke sleg! Lol…

 

The sad part is he thinks I’m monitoring his life when I don’t even give a hoot about what goes on in his life. My son asked him for mobile data in December and he said to my because we saw him travelling now he is being made to ask him for data. My son was vising his friend at that time, he was not home with me and he send me the screen shot of their conversation. I asked my son what is this about? He said he just didn’t want to bother me because he saw I was doing the most for them, I was so angry at my son because we had agreed that he’s not going to ask him anything anymore but one of my friends that I was with when I got the message called me to order and said “ Dipsy, he is a child and kids will always be kids, maybe he also yearns for his dad to actually do something for him and you can’t blame him for wanting that especially because he’s a boy and boys look up to their dads. She then said to me the reality is you won’t stop him until he will make a decision to stop when he would have been disappointed enough but you can’t make that decision for him unfortunately”. I had to accept this sad reality and I unfortunately have to live with it. What I can’t get used to though is that every time even though he knows he doesn’t want to take care of this children, he goes to social media and posts them every chance he gets. A friend once said to me it’s surprising that the children are always with you and you even take them out more than he does but every time he does take your children out and is with them the world has to know. His social media pages will be buzzing with how he is a present dad. I then said it’s okay that’s him dealing with feeling guilty that he’s absent, I know the truth, God knows the truth and our children knows the truth, I do not care about what strangers think. There’s a lot of time he’s disappointed him and the girls but that’s a story for another day.

Let me tell you I’ve heard too often that the courts of South Africa are too cold especially for women fighting for their children’s rights hence a lot of women would rather struggle with their children and not bother to fight for the maintenance of their children. This is so unfair, there’s no justice at all and what’s even sad is that very same people that are supposed to be your children’s guardians will insult you and violate your children’s rights in the process. Don’t get fooled that the laws have changed and they act in the best interests of the children, the children’s rights are violated. One of my courts appearances when my ex-husband and his defence attorneys requested the court date to be moved while they go and put together documents to support their statements that he’s taking care the children, when the magistrate explained to me I said to her I don’t mind them moving the date but he should take care of his children in the interim. This woman actually said I’m being sinister and she doesn’t understand why am I saying that. I felt disrespected and humiliated which was uncalled for because should she have gone through the file, she would have seen all the documents including bank statements and receipts that I submitted supporting what I was saying to the court that this man is going against the court order including all the messages he sent me where he said I want to put him under financial torture and didn’t want to contribute a cent. I was heart broken thinking that this woman is actually promoting that my ex-husband not support our children but I prayed about it and I made peace with the fact that people with money will always be above the law. My attorney after the court session said to me don’t worry because all that he’s claimed in court he has to produce bank statements to support it and the nice thing is he doesn’t have all that, you do so relax and wait for the law to take it’s course. While I wait I pray and I know my God will vindicate me because He never leave nor forsakes His own children and again the truth always prevails and I find hope knowing that one day that is what is going to set me free at the end of the day.

 

I was once told that the overall economic quality of a woman's life post-divorce decreases, I now believe it but it is just temporary because no situation lasts forever, the children will grow and I will be financially stable again. Divorce is ending, but it is also a new beginning like any life journey taken, I’m making sure that I enter this new journey with a good roadmap.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me, I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕 I Am A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; and My people shall never be put to shame - Joel 2:25–26🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dips💚