ABUSE IN THE HANDS OF YOUR PROTECTOR

 

The truth is almost every marriage turns into an excruciatingly painful nightmare (eventually), at least for a season. I believe for some reason the nightmare is actually a gift and a blessing in disguise because the marital nightmare is the universe offering us an opportunity to do some serious work on the deepest wounds in the deepest little boy or little girl in the very core of our souls. I honestly believe everything happens for a reason and God wouldn’t allow it to happen to us unless is for a purpose. We somehow pick the right person for the purpose of helping them to their most deeply buried wounds hence I do not regret what I went through because it is what God purposed for my life. I might not know why or understand now but eventually I’m going to know and understand why I had to go through what I went through. It happened because it was necessary for me to help me become the person that I am today. God used my mistakes, He worked them together for my good. What was meant to destroy me, He will surely use it to elevate me.

Emotional abuse is often done in a cautious and sneaky manner, so as not to be seen and it is different from physical abuse. The signs of emotional abuse are not obvious or visible and that is why people experiencing this form of abuse take a long time to realize what is happening to them in the relationship. This was no different to me, it took me a long time to realise that I was in an abusive marriage because such abuse is toned down and very difficult to recognize. In my marriage I was always made to feel confused, lonely, afraid and scared of what I’m going to be accused of next. My ex-husband always wanted to control and intimidate me, which worked by the way because each time his approach was different.

 

He would say mean and hurtful things but in a way that comes off as joking or being sarcastic. He knew how much I struggled with my weight especially after having our son but often he would take advantage and tap into my insecurities, make fun and comment on my physical appearance in ways that would make me feel insulted. He had this way of getting away with joking in a hurtful way not only about me but other people as well, joking in a hurtful way and would constantly underplay my feelings if I object to his jokes. He would criticize me for not having a sense of humour and even put me down for being a spoilsport. I honestly believe that a partner who genuinely cares about their partner’s feelings never resort to derogatory jokes about their partner or anyone for that matter. 

 

While abusive people may pretend to be kind and caring in the initial stages of their relationships, their insensitive nature emerges with time. This is so true, when we started dating and by the way we dated for a very short period of time, he was very kind and caring however all this changed after we got married. His insensitive nature came out, where he would say mean and hurtful things without being remorseful, I remember he would sometimes say I’m stupid. He referred to me as stupid I think two or three times, then I stood up for myself when one day he referred to me as stupid then I answered him and said the biggest stupid is him because out of all the clever ladies he dated, he chose to marry me a stupid one and from that day onward he stopped calling me stupid. Believe me when I say abusers do not honour their partner’s emotions, and that was the case with me, my ex-husband never honoured my emotions at all. He would always make me second guess myself, every decision I try t make in his presence would be clouded by self-doubt, he would constantly speak for me and over me disregarding my issues and how I feel. He used to master playing a victim a lot, where I would try to confront him or get them to stop doing something that he’s doing that is hurting me, then suddenly he would be the victim! The other thing he used to walk out a lot when we had a confrontation/argument. While arguments arise in any relationship, people with a healthy mindset discuss their issues and resolve them amicably but in my case he would more likely walk out and leave the situation rather than talk it out with me and resolve the problem. Often he would just shift all the blame to me and make me feel guilty. He would undermine and distort my perception of reality and make me doubt myself. He refused to acknowledge my feelings and I found myself explaining myself over and over while he accuses me of not listening and being too sensitive.

 

He used to monitor my whereabouts, in the early days of our relationships when he would constantly keep check on me seemed like he cared and romantic but now I know for sure it is a control tactic. Monitoring my whereabouts all the time and insisting that I give him a detailed account of where I was and with whom were his subtle strategy of restraining my freedom. I remember this one time I went out for dinner with my BFF and the kids he called my mom and threw a fit saying to my mom he doesn’t know where I am and he’s worried about me and the children because I’m not answering my phone, how it’s not safe out there and yena he just wants us back home safe. Now all those who knew my mom they know that my mom used to be an extreme panic machine so you can imagine how she reacted. My mother called me and she was already panicking so you can imagine how the conversation went but I was very calm and she was like “how can you be so calm when everyone is so worried about you and the children”. I asked her what is she talking about? And when she told me, I laughed and put her on speaker and asked to repeat what she just said so my BFF could hear as well because before my mom called a few minutes earlier I had just talked to my ex-husband and he knew exactly where we were, the fact that when he said I must bring back his children home and I refused it was a problem hence he called my mom. He had a problem when I was not home because he didn’t want me to go anywhere, he wanted to isolate me but that I didn’t allow, I remember he wanted to dictate to me which friends I can and which ones I couldn’t have a relationship with including some family members, but I put my foot down. I remember telling him how would he feel if I told him he’s not allowed to have a relationship with some of his family members and friends? I fought hard, I didn’t take his bullying this time around and I stood my ground about my family and friends and that’s how I won that battle because he saw that I wasn’t budging this time around. He wanted to cut me off from my friends and family so that I would have no one to turn to in times of need, he wanted me helpless and lonely. He somehow managed to some extent because most of the time I would be home alone with the kids even though I had so many options. One of my friends was saying to me that a very dear friend told her one day that she once came to my house in 2021 after I had attempted to leave and we had reconciled. She said to her she found me sitting in the very same spot alone watching TV and she could see the pain in my eyes, she said this friend of our said to her nothing has changed in Dipsy’s marriage. It’s sad that towards the end I couldn’t even hide my pain from people who truly know me, the mask I put on was slowly wearing off.

He would make important decisions without consulting or asking me first, I would just see things happening. I remember he once made a decision to buy a boat without consulting me, which had huge financial implications what’s worse he didn’t even have the yard or space to park it. This one time I heard him telling his brother-in-law that we decided we’re never going to move from our house, we will keep on renovating the house and travel the world. When I asked him when did we discuss and agree on that? He got very angry with me saying that he’s the man of the house he can make such decisions and I should just go with the flow, what he was failing to understand is that marriage is a partnership you don’t just make decisions as you please without consulting and agreeing with the other spouse. He talked down on me in a condescending tone and acted like he is always right and is smarter than me and everyone else. He did not listen to any of my grievances, and he even accused me of being selfish while he put down my ideas, opinions, values and thoughts.

 

Films and TV shows have romanticized the idea that being jealous in a relationship means your partner truly loves you, it is not true actually it is very dangerous. My ex-husband was constantly jealous of the people I spend time with including our children, he would even accuse me of talking about him with our children especially if he would walk into a room and find us talking and laughing he would say it’s about him.  He was so insecure and controlling, he did not trust me at all and used to accuse me of cheating even when I was spending time with my family and friends.  

 

He felt he was entitled; he would act like he was superior to me and treat me with disrespect. He constantly doubted me and blamed me for everything, even for his own mistakes and shortcomings. His behaviour was so unpredictable because he would be angry with me and give me the silent treatment or even sometimes swear, shout and yell at me then he would shower me with expensive gifts. His behaviour often left me confused about his real intentions and if he truly loved me. This I have to mention because when he told me this, I thought this man thinks I’m stupid as it was the most absurd story one could formulate no matter how much you don’t trust your partner hai man. The way that man was so insecure and didn’t trust me, it was really ridiculous and diminishing, entlik ne e kwatisa man. He would come home and just formulate a story (nobody lied like that man) and say one of his friends told him that there is group of guys on Facebook approaching women using their money to entice and get women to date them, saying but those guys are sick so you should be careful should anyone contact you via FB because they’ll infect you with whatever disease they have then send you a text to go check yourself and dump you without a trace. When I think of some of the ridiculous stories he used to tell me trying to scare me yoh, I actually get angry at myself because honestly he thought that I’m stupid.

 

The emotional abuse I endured affected me in a lot of ways which would leave me feeling confused, hopeless, shameful and worthless. It is difficult to concentrate when you’re being emotionally abused, I would make silly mistakes that I would not normally do because I was forever second guessing myself, stressed, anxious and I was not focused at all especially around him. I almost developed self-esteem issues and loss of self-confidence, but I must acknowledge though that I have major trust issues and have trouble building close interpersonal relationships. I find myself most of the time feeling vulnerable, sad and lonely which is what I’m working towards overcoming with my therapists. I overstayed in a marriage that did not serve me, that made me feel unworthy, inadequate, unloved, unappreciated and not enough. No one is supposed to be made to feel that way especially by the person who is supposed to love, honour, respect and protect them at any cost. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone because honestly going through what I went through and suppressing your feelings all the time pretending that you’re okay when you’re not, as I’ve mentioned previously, you’re only starting a toxic war inside yourself which will take years of praying, therapy, time and money to heal. I’m grateful that I’m still alive to tell my story, that I can testify of God’s goodness in my life as I’m still standing, laughing again and taking my power back. My hidden scars will forever be a reminder of how “Life is a Beautiful Struggle”, I love the person I’ve become because I fought to become her. It feels so good to know that it's not about where I've been but it's more about where I'm trying to go because where I’m going is greater, a place where love and feeling good will never cost me anything and that is what I hold on to.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕, A Very Beautiful Story Live❤️ in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

This is now one of my daily affirmations:

"YOU HAVE COME FROM GOD, YOU ARE A SPARK OF HIS GLORY. YOU WILL GET PEACE ONLY WHEN YOU AGAIN MERGE IN HIM." - Unknown

 

Give up your violence and oppression and do what is just and right - Ezekiel 45:9🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚