BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU

A husband who loves his family provides without complaining and reminding them of what they do for them. He takes pride in providing for his family because through his earnings, it is not just him providing for his family but it is him protecting them from poverty. He is supposed to shelter his family in making sure they have a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on their back. This should be his pride, protecting and providing for his family because in that way the family feels secured. And that’s why a father is the main provider and protector of the family.

 

However in a modern family, things are different because the wife has now become a provider and men are very quick to remind the family when they provide. I was in a marriage where I would constantly be reminded should my ex-husband do something for me or the kids. I know that for sure that if your partner is always bringing up all the “good things” they have done for you every time you're upset, it is not normal and ladies that’s a huge red flag.

When my ex-husband was laid off work, we sat down to discuss what would work for us and I took a lot of financial responsibilities from him because he no longer had a constant source of income. He took upon himself the small responsibilities including our mobile telephone contracts. Believe me when I say the worst mistake of my life because I would be reminded of how they pay for my contract all the time. I remember that each time I would not let him know my whereabouts or forget to inform him of something, I would be told that “you have a phone that I pay for, the contract for that has unlimited airtime and data, yet you couldn’t even call me”. I remember also that if he found me on a call with someone, he would pass a remark like oh it’s nice you are using the airtime that I pay for but you can’t call me. Yoh guys it’s not nice to be reminded all the time when someone does something for you.

 

When we returned from Germany in 2018 he bought me car, a Toyota Landcruiser as my birthday gift but those who know would know that this car was not bought for me it was for him because it was his dream car. I hated that car with a passion because it was not representing me, it was too big for me and to fill up a tank I had to have more than 3k so for me it was too expensive to have and maintain. Worse when he bought the car for me I told him how I feel and said I preferred a smaller car because I would be able to maintain it but no he had to buy that one because he was going to be applauded and respected, he said and I quote “ you don’t understand, people who know cars will understand and not a lot of black people drive that car and especially our age” yoh guys my ex-husband lived for impressing people and being respected for material things.  This car was a problem for me and those who are close to me can attest to that. I would constantly be told that I’m ungrateful there’s a lot of women who would appreciate and be grateful that he bought them a car but what he forgot was I’m not many women and I carried a lot of financial responsibilities upon my shoulder hence I didn’t want that car. Now there was this one time I was at work and he video called me asking where the car is, I responded and said at the staff parking why? He said to me he just saw my car pass him by a few minutes earlier, I laughed it off and asked if I’m the only person driving a black Toyota Landcruiser in the whole of Pretoria North? Remember this is a video call neh people can hear what we are saying so my colleagues could hear the whole conversation. I didn’t anticipate what was about to come out of his mouth shortly after, he said and I quote ”because it’s my money that bought that car you don’t care, I’m telling you that the car is not at the parking and you making jokes, you better make sure that my f* car is there when I come home” I was embarrassed and hung up the phone immediately. One of my colleagues jumped out of her chair came to my desk and said ngwana, let’s go I’ll go with you to the staff parking so you can check the car gore your husband a kgotsofale and be at ease. I didn’t want to give in, at first I was stubborn and didn’t want to go because I felt disrespected but she convinced me and when I got to the staff parking the car was there, I made a video call to him and showed him his car and said to him are you happy he just laughed it off and said “I swear the car looked just like your car”, I was fuming in that moment and all I wanted to do swear at him but those who know know that I can’t swear, it is not in me so the only swear word I could think of at the time was “voetsek” and I hung up. Afterwards I was so disappointed in myself for not telling him off because this man has not only humiliated me in the presence of my colleagues, but he disrespected me in a big way. I remember I would be out with friends and he would call me and remind me that I have a curfew and yena he wants his car back home by midnight, mind you he would not be home that time. The sad part is he would even call my mom and manipulate her into thinking that I’m not safe where I am and my mother would call me and plead with me to go home as I’m not safe and I should remember that I’m her only daughter. I was able to convince my mom that I don’t go where I don’t feel safe so when he realized that his strategy with my doesn’t work anymore, he used other methods.

 

Every time he bought me a clothing item, perfume or jewellery I would be reminded that he buys me expensive things but I’m ungrateful and I would never find a man who would take care of me like he does. I would just laugh at him because honestly I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful person but if I had to count how many times he bought stuff for me in the 23 years we’ve been together, I mean duh! it was insult to me for him to even remind me that he buys things for me because I take care of myself and do it good because my mama taught me.

 

When we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary, he bought me a ring to celebrate that milestone. If he could see me not wearing that ring I will not have peace, I will be reminded that I’m a married woman why am I not wearing my ring, the one he bought for me with a lot of money. He would ask “is it because you want to find another man? I would be told that women who take off their rings are unfaithful. Yoh guys it was bad and I endured all this without even mistreating or disrespecting him because I had hope that one day this man will change. 

 

He was the one paying for our electricity bill neh, you know the kids would be scared to switch on the lights because they would be scared that when he comes home, he will make sure that we know that we’re wasting and he’s the one paying for the lights and because it’s not me paying I don’t even say anything. Groceries yona a ke sa bua and worse he buy things that he knows we do not like and then tell us that we are ungrateful and he spend his hard earned money to but the food, the irony of this is that he would also not eat them. But I didn’t care, I would just ignore him and buy the food that we eat and like.

 

I always wondered why does he remind me of the things he gets me or does for me, he is my husband mos he is supposed to take care of me but now he counts all that he does for me? I could write a book of all the things he used to remind me of but that’s a story for another day. However this is lessons learned for me on what I would or not take in my next relationship from a person who is supposed to love and protect me at any cost.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕, A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚