WHEN WE EVENTUALLY CALLED IT QUITS

 

2022 was the year my ex-husband left me and asked for divorce, I didn’t object because honestly speaking it was such a relief and it was the year I asked God to speak to me in a language that I understand because clearly the signs that He’s sending me I don’t see them. I don’t want to lie though and I was not hurting because he was leaving me but because I thought I was going to be the one to leave this man if it ever happens and for him to ask me for a divorce and tell me that he was not happy with me was an insult.

 

However, that year started very rough for me because now the emotional abuse was on another level, I’m not exaggerating when I say that year he used the silent treatment as his way of manipulating and emotionally abusing me as he knew that it was going to drive me nuts, why because all our children were out of the house and I was alone with him. This affected me in a big way as I felt abandoned, isolated and rejected which left me feeling stressed and anxious all the time. Being left in silence is extremely painful because there’s a loss of connection and believe me when I say there was a disconnection between us. I’m not exaggerating when I say in 2022 I can count the number of days we spoke from January to July when we eventually separated where he was not giving me a silent treatment and if I had to count the days they don’t even make up a number of a full month’s days.

 

I remember in March we were invited to his brother-in-law’s daughter’s wedding so that weekend I asked a friend to take my son back to school for me. When I was going to drop off my son at my friend’s house, I stopped at a shopping centre near our house because my son asked me to buy him water. Unfortunately for us, my car was jammed when I locked it and they took my son’s school bag because I believe they mistook it for a laptop bag and they took my mobile phone. I let my ex-husband know what happened to us, I wanted to go and report the matter to the police and he convinced me not to go because we’re going to be late, I should just drop off my son and we will go together to the police to report the incident. I dropped my son and when I came back home, I found him waiting for me at the house, yoh this man was so insensitive he didn’t even check if I’m okay he just shouted at me for making him late and said to me we will report the incident when we come back from the wedding because now it’s late, we don’t have time. I was disappointed but just went with the flow, the sad part is the wedding was for Sunday and it was Saturday so what was the rush? Still asking myself to this date. Remember that now we have to get our son a new school bag and stationery for school which means we must come back early from the wedding to ensure that our son has got all those things and we agreed that we will leave early. The very same Saturday we arrived at the wedding venue everyone invited gathered for a late lunch and there was a party on the other end of the room we were in. This was a child’s birthday party, I remember the couple who hosted their child’s party couldn’t settle the whole bill because some people left without paying their portion of the bill and guess who played the messiah, you guessed it right my ex-husband. Come Monday we’re supposed to go and get our son the school bag and stationery, it was time to go and he says to me I should relax we will go later because he has called the school and they said they will sort our son out so we can bring those things in the afternoon which was fine I didn’t have a problem with that. Then there was a suggestion that we go to my then sister-in-law’s friend’s house and later we will then leave from there to go to buy our son what he needs for school. I was okay, ao then later when we’re supposed to leave, he keeps on making excuses until it was very late and all the shops were closed. At the time we left to go home I was so furious and emotional at the same time thinking of my poor son, I just put myself in his shoes and thinking he thinks we don’t care and besides I was so furious because this was irresponsible of us. I was crying in the car because this was just too much for me especially because I was thinking he saw his sister when her daughter said she needs snacks for school, his sister jumped and made sure her daughter has what she asked for, there we were our son needs much more important things for school and we’re sitting there being irresponsible and violating our son’s right to education. Now here’s the catch, when I confronted him in the car about this, he then disclosed that he doesn’t have money hence he was making all those excuses during the day because he was expecting someone to send him money but that person didn’t come through for him. The first question I asked was why would you settle other people’s bill when you know we have to buy our son what he needs for school? Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with helping people I always help where I can but you can’t be that irresponsible all because you wanted to create a certain impression to the people around you when you have nothing and besides he could have mentioned that he doesn’t have money and I would have bought what our son needs. He told me that I’m selfish, I only want him to feel as if he’s useless and he wouldn’t leave our son just for no reason, he’s got a plan and our son will have what he needs in the morning the following day. The following day I asked him before I went to work if he’s going to get our son what he needs or should I go buy and he said he will get him what he needed, and that was that we then never spoke to each other until my birthday later that month.

 

I remember that year on my birthday, we were still not talking but he asked me before he left for the day what are my plans for the day and I said nothing. He then said I should be ready by 16:00 he will send someone to fetch me. This is the type of man he was he would give me a silent treatment or swear at me then shower me with expensive gifts so he would look good on social media. That evening he took me to a very nice restaurant, bought me 100 red roses and a perfume. Don’t even think it was the end of the silent treatment, after my birthday we were back to square one as if nothing happened. A couple of days later because he was used to treating me like that and I would just do what he asks me to do, he thought it was going to be the same but that day he was going to experience another side of me that he never thought he would experience in this lifetime. It was one of his daughter’s graduation day, remember we’re not talking at all then he wakes up just as I was about to leave the house and asks me what time he should come fetch me so we can go to the graduation together. Remember he’s used to treating me like trash and when it comes to all these events, we have to put on a façade and pretend everything is hunky dory well he had another thing coming. I said to him I’m not going with you because I’m tired of you not talking to me and treating me like I’m nothing then we go out and pretend like everything is okay. I also said to him the nerve of you asking me to go with you to your daughter’s graduation a few weeks after our daughter’s graduation where you didn’t even attend, I said No sir I’m not playing your game today, I left him standing there I took my bag and left for work. He was shocked but I stood my ground, he went to the graduation ceremony and his family joined him mind you they didn’t even come to my daughter’s graduation or even ask.

 

Then the silent treatment continued, that year he was turning 50 and we had planned that we will have lunch for him at home with 50 of his close friends and for family we had planned a black tie event at a venue to celebrate this milestone. I had planned the whole thing and he knew about it, believe me when I say 2022 I wasn’t playing anymore enough was enough. I had discussed with a party planner for the home celebration and the venue was booked for the family celebration, we were all set to go however I had my aha moment where it clicked to me that no man this man doesn’t deserve what I want to do for him. So, I called off the home celebration and the venue as I was about to cancel also he asked what’s happening and I sad to him I don’t have money so I decided we’re not going to celebrate his birthday anymore. He then said to me to not cancel the venue, he will continue as planned and he will pay for everything. I said cool as long as it’s not my money I don’t have a problem, I remember his sisters calling me asking what the plan is and how can they help? I said to them they should ask him because he’s planning the party and I remember I had ordered the cake for both celebrations and I cancelled the orders and one of the sisters said to me that she will get the cake for the family celebration I should continue with the order, she will pay for it and the other sister paid for the photography. Ne ke se na stress byang lona, I couldn’t be bothered because I felt strongly about my decision. What’s worse when were at the dinner celebration one of the sisters asked me so for the celebration at his mother’s house what is the plan? Guess what I didn’t even know about that celebration and I said hai nna a ke itse sepe so you will have to talk to him since he’s throwing that party and I know nothing about it. I decided that I will go to work on that day, come later in the afternoon, not even pressurise myself and knock off early. A day or so before the celebration, I was having a discussion with one of my friends and she asked me about the celebration and I explained to her that I’m not part of the planning and she said to me “Dipsy do the right thing, I understand how you feel right now but at least contribute something even if it’s a salad” so I decided to be a bigger person and I ordered a pot of tlhakwana because I was told they’ve planned to serve African cuisine but they didn’t have tlhakwana in the planned menu and also I was told they have organized someone sell food at the celebration.

 

After his birthday celebration he had no choice but to speak to me because his eldest daughter was getting married and the mother was talking to him through me. We spoke until the wedding which was June 2022. Leading to us calling it quits, I remember us one evening when he came home early, we engaged in a discussion and around that time there was a video that had gone viral and we engaged in a discussed about the events in the video. He wanted to criticize the person on the video and I said to before he says anything about the lady in the video he should make sure his house is in order first because according to me he is just being a hypocrite. I then said the irony of this is that that he can see the wrong in what this person is doing but him and his family did the same thing and didn’t want our daughter to press charges for injustice done to her. Yoh, I opened a can of worms, remember according to my ex-husband, him and his family are holier than thou, they never do anything wrong and they’re always right so he said to me I don’t like peace, I should let that issue go blah blah and I said to him it’s difficult for me to let it go because I carried our daughter for 9 months and the pain she feels I feel 100 times more. Believe me when I say that was that, he gave me the silent treatment and we never spoke again until we eventually called it quits and separated. However, I remember before we separated sometime in June just after we had returned from his daughter’s wedding when the silent treatment was still very fresh, I bought myself a bunch of flowers and he started telling people that I’m cheating on him and that was a perfect excuse for him to justify the separation. The people that believed that b*s* the most were his family because I remember someone saying to me she heard I was cheating on him and that is the reason he left me and I asked where says who? And she said her husband told her he heard from my sister-in-law, after she told me I heard this b*s* from a lot of people now that I got tired of everyone telling me this that so I started saying to everyone that comes to tell me this that everything my ex-husband says about me it’s true so they should believe him and I remember also saying to some of these people that there’s always 3 sides of the story, his side, my side and the truth because people tend to listen to one side of the story and judge.

 

Sometimes when I think of my marriage, I get angry because I’m thinking this man was taking advantage of me. He used to only allow me to hang out with him when he didn’t have any plans or at places that are only convenient for him where he knew I would never get to know or see what he was doing (red flag). He used to ignore me when I want to make plans for us and he was constantly making excuses when I ask him to spend time with us (me and the kids).

 

I do not regret what I went through because it is what God purposed for my life. I might not know why or understand but eventually I’m going to know and understand why I had to go through what I went through. I believe it happened because it was necessary for me to help me become the person that I am today.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcome🙏🏾💕, A Very Beautiful Story ❤️Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty - Malachi 2:16🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚