TAKING MY POWER BACK

 

During the divorce proceedings I felt defeated I was crying literally every day when I was alone and this used to happen a lot because I was alone 90% of the time. I was crying because the divorce was dragging and it was brutal, someone once said to me “you do not know your spouse until you get divorced because they will show you who they truly are” and that is so true. I was crucified and judged harshly, almost everyone was made to believe that I’m this evil person basically I was made out to be “Cruella de Vil” not only to strangers but to people who know me well, the people who know what I am and not capable of incl. my family, my friends and the list goes on. The sad part is people will believe whatever crap they are fed as long as the person knows how to play victim and is selling their bullshit story well. What hurt me the most was some of the people who believed these stories about me where mostly people who practically raised me and some of my friends, people who witnessed everything I went through, it hurt to the core but I kept on praying, prayer was my saving grace. 

 

I didn’t understand, I had a lot of questions because it didn’t make sense especially when I was forced to face judgement, where I was told I’m not woman enough I couldn’t even keep a man, my marriage failed because I was the problem, I was asked what did I do to him? Are you sure you did not cheat on him? Why does he hate you so much? And the list goes on…. I was looked down on and men would want take advantage and hit on me, what is even disgusting is men who were close my ex-husband. I saw people seeing me as nothing which was very hurtful and I think that is the reason a lot of women stay in unhappy marriages because the judgement ask me is brutal. The one that hurt me the most and still do is my children being rejected by their family members. I did not realize we still had such a ridiculous divorced/single mom stigma in 2024. People are still over here shaming the spouse/parent who stayed, it's wild and it’s sad.

 

When we got divorced, I suddenly lived alone for the first time, which was sort of scary and very hard. I was worried that I couldn't handle it and it didn't help that other people seemed to doubt that I could, too. The divorce process was even dragging and in the process I would ridiculed and labelled by the very same person who inflicted pain on me. What I struggled to understand though and still struggling to understand is that we have children, why would you go around saying all those things about me their mother when my children are supposed to respect me irrespective of what happened between us. As much as I’m protecting you and advocating for you at each turn because I know the importance of our children respecting you, I expected the same but I guess some people are malicious and selfish like that, they always have to be the better one.

 

I always convinced myself that our children will never get to hear all these negative things he’s saying about me until one day I remember my girls sitting me down, telling me to stop pushing them to my ex-husband because I’m damaging them as I’m pushing them towards a person who rejects them all the time. They continued to say that if I continue doing that, they’re eventually going to end up hating me, I understood all that but when they finished talking to me then my eldest daughter then said to me, I don’t understand why you keep on advocating for him and saying all these nice things about him, we get it he’s our dad but the sad part is he’s got nothing nice to say about you. I was shocked because at that time, I didn’t think he would slander me to our children as well. I was hurt because I’m trying by all means not to get our children involved in our mess but here am I being told by the very people that I’m trying to protect and get them to still have respect for him telling me that he’s saying bad things about me to them. That was my “AHA” moment right there, it was like something snapped inside of me. I decided enough is enough, I’m no longer going to a be victim of this divorce, I decided to take my power back. And let me tell you this was not easy because I had the victim mentality but it was doable/achievable and only because there were those few people who believed in me, the people who stood by me and the truth through and through, the people who never gave up on me, the people who believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself, the people who stood in the gap for me in prayer, the people who loved me, the people who refused to give up on me all because they were there and witnessed when bad things happened to me. The people who daily reassured me that one day it’s going to be okay and that I’m going to forget about all the things that are being said about me and happening to me. I didn’t believe any of the things they said then because I don’t want to lie it didn’t look like it was going to be okay. But by the grace of God, I never lost my faith and that is what kept me going even in those dark days, having my support structure especially them speaking all those positive words of affirmation to me, declaring positive things over my life and that of my children, praying for me and most importantly me making the decision to get up and take my power back, me seeing past my scars and loving myself once again.

 

After my divorce was finalised I was exhausted of fighting but little did I now that this is just the beginning, the battle has just begun. I didn’t think I have it in me and I wanted to give up and I was reminded that this is not about me, it’s about those three beings that did not choose to be brought into this world. When I also think of how I will be disappointing my children if I don’t do anything and I wouldn’t have any answers for them in the future when they have the why’s for me. When I look at my children and I think of what we’ve been through in the hands of that man bona a ke jike, it’s like something has been rekindled in me because I now have my superpower, my fight and I’m no longer that naïve woman who just let people take advantage of. I know who I am and I know what I want and I know exactly how to go after it! There was once a period of my life where I had lost touch with my soul, lost sight of how big my dreams were as a little girl, I didn’t realize how strong I am but now I know and there’s no stopping me! I survived the darkest hours and baby believe me when I say the little light of mine that that man tried to dim, the light that God gave me is now back on and it’s sparkling like never before. The fact that I was able to carry so much pain yet managed to smile all the years I was married to that man, that’s true strength and power which I downplayed about myself and now I know better and from now I will not even allow the sky to be limit, God has given me a second chance by empowering me to overcome my challenges and live a life of purpose and I’m intending to take full advantage of this second chance!

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕A Very Beautiful Story ❤️Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us - Romans 8:18🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚