GRIEVING MY MARRIAGE

  

I’m working on my healing and through therapy I’m learning a lot of things that require me to work on to heal. The one specific thing that I’m told is crucial for my healing is the grieving process, this comes as a shock to me but yes, apparently I need to grieve my marriage. I don’t know about you but my understating of grief is that it is an emotionally severe feeling of sadness, shock and numbness as a response to the loss of a loved one i.e. family and/or friends. This is the longest, slowest and loneliest process where there are normal days and there are days of never-ending crying limited only to a loss of loved ones and this is according to my understanding. But boy, was I wrong I learned through therapy that there are different forms of grief and for me to fully heal I need to grieve my marriage. Now I do not dispute that because I’m not or psychiatrist or a psychologist and not qualified to can say otherwise but I’m still struggling to understand how do you grieve something that was so toxic and was the cause of your misery and pain? 

 

As I was going through different phases of therapy, I was told that grief is normal after divorce, whether you made the decision or not. I was told that the loss of the hopes and dreams I had on my wedding day is like death, I was told to allow myself to feel the grief and trust that with time it will pass. I was told that as the gloominess of my grief clears, I'll once again be happy and remember the good times that brought me joy. I was told that I’m going to go through emotional turmoil because divorce will unleash and stir up a rollercoaster of emotions (sadness, anger, relief, guilt, confusion, fear etc.) and it is normal.

 

I’m still in shock and to be honest I do not know how to grieve that marriage and I have a lot questions on why should I grieve something that was only the cause of my and my children’s pain? How do I grieve something that only made me miserable instead of happy? How do I grieve what only made me question my worth all the time? How do I grieve something that made me think I’m not enough? How do I grieve something that only humiliated me? How do I grieve something that broke me? How do I grieve something that made me sad? How do I grieve something that treated me bad? The list goes on and on and on…

 

I went through the stage of depression which was the most painful and the most triggering time I’ve had to go through. I was an emotional wreck but mostly from feeling guilty, shame and blame. I blamed myself for all that I went through being my fault especially for overstaying in that marriage. Depression is the longest and most difficult stage I had to go through as I was faced with my reality, it was slowly setting in and was very overwhelming. I was mostly feeling alone, unloved and rejected. I was literally alone to face my demons and reality because all my children were not living with me and I was forced to reflect on a lot of things. I was in a lot of pain as I was trying to understand the reasons for him wanting to divorce me when it should have been me who was divorcing him.

 

I was finding it difficult to accept that this man is divorcing me after all the hell he put me and my children through. I was angry because this is usually the first reaction when you feel a sense of loss and it felt like he took my power from me actually it felt like he snatched it from me. I was remembering all the problems that we had that were not resolved which is 90% of our problems, I was lonely I had a void in my existence and a sense that I’m the only one experiencing all these emotions and pain. I was blaming myself especially for my children’s pain, I was blaming myself for even allowing myself to go through what I went through and not listening to my mother because she warned me not to get married to my ex-husband. This was the stage where all the fingers were pointing at me (man in the mirror) and I judged myself harshly. However, through intense therapy I was forced to look at both sides of the coin myself and my ex-husband, first I was forced to recognize that my best efforts in my marriage weren’t enough to prevent the divorce, it was bound to happen. I had to acknowledge that both of us made mistakes during our marriage (it takes two to tango), I was forced to evaluate what went wrong, acknowledge that we both changed throughout the course of our marriage and finally acknowledge how these changes contributed to an unhappy marriage. Funny because I was told that I was going to feel as if the divorce was all my fault but I don’t and never have because God knows and I know how I fought for my marriage and did the best that I could. The only thing I feel is my fault is overstaying in the marriage that didn’t serve me nor treat me right.

 

I’m slowly but surely getting to the acceptance stage where they say I will completely let go of the past, it’s funny because I thought I had let go completely but my therapist said as long as I feel emotional or triggered by some things regarding ex-husband and marriage then it means I haven’t fully let go or healed, I should work on that as there’s still a problem in that specific area. These days I’m slowly looking forward to a new phase in my life, letting go of resentful emotions, making new friends and acquaintances, spending my energy planning for the future rather than recounting the past and dating again. To be honest I don’t abhor any resentment feelings towards him, I forgive him every day, forgiveness is a journey that is not easy hence I made a decision to forgive him every day and it takes a lot but I’m well on my way through a lot of scripture reading and prayer.

 

At the beginning of my therapy I was stubborn, I didn’t help my healing process at all because I was blatantly refusing let go of all the negative emotions I was feeling at the time. I felt I was justified to feel that way, little did I know that I’m delaying my healing process because it was no longer about him but about setting myself free. As I reflect on the emotional journey one undergoes during divorce it is an injury to one's ego, feeling like I’m a failure and diminished feeling of self-worth. I was angry because this is not how I pictured my life to be in the future and I felt like I wasted 23 years of my life being married to that man.

 

I’m advised that I have no choice but to grieve this marriage, they say I should go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance because that is the key to my complete healing. Not sure how I’m supposed to do this because I find it difficult to grieve this marriage, how do I mourn the loss of what can no longer be? I have never been in denial because I accepted a long time ago (while still married) that my marriage is over, we were just co-existing. I was angry yes but it’s normal to be angry when we feel betrayed, I’m sure that I’m not the only ones who feels that. How do I bargain with myself and for what? I went through depression which was very brutal and not easy at all, why would I want to put myself through that painful experience again? Acceptance, I accepted my fate a long time ago so what is it that I still have to accept? Besides what they say I must accept but I’m not a professional, I will just do what I’m told as they do know what is best. I went to a book launch in November last year and there was a panel of different professional and the therapist that was on the panel also spoke about grieving a marriage, so I guess this is what needs to happen even though I don’t get it.

 

As for now I’m working on my healing by accepting the feelings that come with the process, allowing people around me express their feelings (holding me accountable), being realistic about my current circumstances and avoiding stressful situations.

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰. I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God, Mercy Rewrote My Life, Grace Has Located Me I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕, A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽😍

 

 

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit - Psalms 34:18🙏🏾🙏🏾

My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever - Psalms 73:26🙏🏾🙏🏾

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous - Isaiah 41:10🙏🏾🙏🏾

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚