BREAKING POINT

 

When you reach a breaking point, that moment of stress where you completely break down, a time of tremendous emotional tension and immense dissatisfaction. I reached that point where I would easily snap and get frustrated over the smallest things. I was at a point where I couldn’t control my emotions, I was an emotional wreck. I had reached a point where I couldn’t be bothered and I withdrew completely, nothing my ex-husband did had an effect on me nor affected me. I just wanted out but I didn’t know how because I realised that this is dangerous as I had checked out, I was at a point where I was acknowledging that my marriage is no longer serving me and my children and our well-being was being negatively impacted.

I was rotting inside but, on the outside, I was this beautiful bubbly person, I was crying for help but not saying anything. I found myself entangled in a web of deceit, betrayal, pain, hurt and trauma. I was pushed into this hole of darkness that was lonely, miserable, mad, bitter and angry. I didn’t recognise who I was anymore, I lost myself and lived in the shadow of who and what I was made to believe I was, my soul was ripped apart with each passing day. There was this toxic war inside me that now requires a lot of therapy and healing.

I went into my marriage with good intentions, intensions of building a happy home but unfortunately I ended up being broken and baking disaster. I wanted to be held, to be seen instead I held lies and constantly being ridiculed and taken for a fool. In public my ex-husband was a king but a coward in the privacy of our home. He craved for the attention he got from the streets and women, he loved the applause that was very loud while his silence and rejection was deafening and very loud to me and our children, the thrill of being wanted-even though he was already needed at home by us his family. We were disconnected from the one thing that mattered the most and that brought us together, HONEST LOVE, we had it once.

I was let down over and over again, promised heaven only to experience hell. I always asked myself why am I staying, why am I showing up fully for a person who doesn’t even care? I always convinced myself that I’m staying for the kids and that one day he will grow and love me the way I’m supposed to be. I was very wrong and I know I’m equally accountable to the life I lived with him as I made it easy for him to treat me like he did and I also had to come to a sad realization that I was not the one for him and it’s okay because now I know better. I do not have to be in a marriage that pushes me to my point of breaking because I now know that it is better to be happy, whole and feel good about myself by myself than it is to feel low, degraded and unloved by a man, I do not need a man to define me, a man should be an option not a definition. Everyday I was running from my marital demons, I was broken but I kept pretending that I’m whole, I cried silent tears. I realised now that I made a selfish choice and decision to stay and in the process, I hurt the people that matters the most, my children. These are the people that got the raw deal of my anger and bitterness because I would snap at them randomly, slap them, hurt them in a way that broke me, but I felt helpless and because they were the easiest victims as helpless as they were. The painful and saddest feeling ever is knowing that my children have childhood trauma they’ll have to heal and are broken because I overstayed in a toxic marriage, I carry that pain real deep in my heart.

I am healing but it’s not easy because I have trauma and what we need to understand is that a woman who has trauma still remembers every painful and traumatic experience she’s been through. I don’t know what I would have done without prayer and I’m sure the prayers my mother prayed for me while she was still alive carried me during my darkest days. During that dark phase of depression, I still remembered how painful each night was, how tired my eyes and heart were, I still remembered how I would run out of breath crying. I will never forget how difficult it was for me to be loved by my ex-husband, I will never forget the pain from being loved by HIM. I did not understand why it was so difficult for him to love me the way I deserve to be loved and to be seen by him the way any wife should be seen by their husband, but I kept my feelings and questions bottled up inside. I know for sure that it was the worst mistake I made. What drove me the most to the breaking point was my ex-husband thinking it’s okay to mistreat me then he would avoid us talking or communicating about it saying I don’t have peace and yena he is protecting his peace, when this was his strategy for avoiding accountability.

God is giving me a second chance and I decided that I’m not going to use my energy to worry anymore, I’m going to use my energy to believe, create, trust, grow, glow, manifest and heal.

I must applaud and give flowers to my community because they knew me well enough to notice that I was not okay even though I was smiling, the people who came in hard without hesitation with the support I so desperately needed when I no longer had the strength. People who were present enough to sense the moment I started sinking, people who were not just spectators, people who noticed that inside I was breaking, the people who prayed and stood in the gap for me, people who cheered me up and encouraged me all the way, people who didn’t just see me but truly noticed me. People who knew that I wanted to give up but had the courage to jump in and save me.

I believe that if God brings me into any situation, I should trust Him to bring me through it 🙏🏽🙏🏽 and that is what He has done, He carried me through it all and today I can use my experience to give other women hope and heal them through my story.

“I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining, I believe in love although I’m alone, I believe in God even when He is silent, I will never lose the faith – unknown”. Today I stand as a testimony that through God’s grace, mercy and love I was able to pick up every piece of my broken self, rebuild myself, I’m embracing my new beginnings, I’m coming back stronger, louder and completely unshakable. I can safely say “MY STRUGGLE IS MY STRENGTH, MY PAIN IS MY POWER and MY MISTAKES ARE BECOMING MY MITACLES!”

 

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰 I’m Just A Small Girl with A Big God🙏🏽💕 Mercy Rewrote My Life🙏🏽💕Grace Has Located Me🙏🏽💕 I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽🥰

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed - Isaiah 53:5 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Love & Light

Dipsy💚