PRESENT BUT ABSENT

 We all have a desire to be with our kids all the time but in the busyness of life, we are sometimes absent when they need us most. I just want to highlight the most important relationship that requires nurturing and that is a father-daughter relationship. Girls need their fathers the most, unfortunately a lot of men abandon their children when they divorce from their partners, and this is one sad reality that our society is faced with.

Girls are very fragile, they need validation and love from their fathers because impact of a father's love on a child is profound and shapes their understanding of family, unconditional love and relationships while providing a sense of belonging and security. A father's love and guidance play a huge role in influencing their daughter's self-esteem and understanding of how a man should love and treat her.

Unfortunately, society believes that a girl child’s affirmation, confidence and stability are from their mother’s love and presence however I have learned and know for sure that a girl child gets her affirmation, confidence, self-worth and self-esteem from their father’s love and presence. The absence of a father's consistent presence can negatively impact a daughter's self-worth and self-esteem. Without their father's affirmation and support a girl child ends up feelings inadequate, having self-doubt, and a diminished sense of worth. A father's behaviour and love, whether positive or negative plays a huge role in shaping his daughter's future relationships and ability to form healthy bonds and it is a powerful force in building their confidence.

My ex-husband was present but absent, yes, it is possible that you are physically with us but emotionally unavailable, this had a huge psychological effect on our girls. My ex-husband rarely made time to spend with our girls let alone us as a family, I remember I would even suggest that he take the girls on father daughter dates, but it would fall on deaf ears. The huge challenge I’m facing is that my girls experienced rejection from a very early age and even now. I protected them up to a certain point in their lives but still it was not enough because we tend to undermine our kids and think that we’re protecting them from what is happening around us but what we’re doing is only breaking and damaging them because they do see and know everything that is happening in our lives. We’re doing a huge injustice to our children; we need to change the narrative.

The relationship my ex-husband has with the girls is very complex, characterized by pain, rejection and a constant search for understanding and connection. If you ask me, I would say the hope for the opportunity of that connection they’re seeking with their dad is gone, they missed it or rather he missed it. My youngest daughter has only been to her father’s house once and her experience was not nice, not even pleasant (a tale for another day) and well my eldest daughter hasn’t been to her fathers new house because he made it very clear that he doesn’t want her to visit but what makes me angry is that he plays her emotions every time promising that he will come get her to visit. This is a hard pill to swallow especially when his other kids are frequenting his place and are welcomed with love. Someone once said to me it’s not about your kids, it’s about you Dipsy he wants to hurt you but he’s doing it by hurting your children.  This journey hasn’t been easy especially on the girls, one day with their permission I will tell their story. The sad reality is that they carry childhood traumas they now have to heal from. And as painful as it is to admit, I played a major role in that I overstayed in a toxic marriage. That knowledge sits deep in my heart. The truth is his absence from my daughters’ lives contributed in a huge way in their struggle with self-worth, making poor choices, academic setbacks, and destructive relationships with people who treat them badly including their siblings from their father’s side. My youngest daughter is the victim all the time, there was a time when her eldest sibling called her and swore at her as if she was not even her sister, as a mother you know you want to protect your children, I wanted to get involved but I decided probably that is what this child wants a reaction out of me and I’m not going to give her one. They treat her like trash and the next thing my ex-husband uses manipulation to get her to come and be with them so he can flaunt on social media and make me look like a liar and say he’s got a good relationship with our children. I just feel sorry for them because they’re using her yearning for belonging and acceptance to get her to be with them and each time she comes back hurt because of what they say to her and how they treat her, unfortunately she is an adult I can’t control what she does but I’m praying that one day God gives her the courage that my eldest daughter has to say“NO! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO USE ME” Until our daughters believe they are valuable, they won't realize they deserve to be treated better, like the princesses they are👑💕🥰

The absence of his emotional support is leaving them feeling vulnerable, insecure as well as fearing rejection and abandonment again. It is true that a father is a daughter's first love because the first man we ever love as girls/women is our daddy and to be rejected by the man you love is brutal especially when you see him embracing some of his children.  The sad part is he is giving so much love to the very same child who violated my daughter and is clearly sending a message to my daughter that she is not justified to feel the pain she feels, hurt by his actions and betrayed, that she is not valid in the way she feels, he is clearly being dismissive of her pain and embracing wrong behaviour. However, I strive to teach them forgiveness and that their strength isn’t in avoiding pain but in rising above it. – It is work in progress, but I believe they will conquer as long as they have me, our other family members and all the people who love them unconditionally and want to see them win in their corner. Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters and one day I believe he will open his eyes to see what really matters but until that time I continue loving my children and supporting them the best way I know how. The Lord will see us through as He has all these years and it’s going to be alright!🙏🏽🙏🏽

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰 I’m Just A Small Girl With A Big God🙏🏽💕 Mercy Rewrote My Life🙏🏽💕Grace Has Located Me🙏🏽💕 I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽🥰

 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord -Ephesians 6:4 🙏🏽🙏🏽

 

Love & Light

Dipsy💚