LIFE IN THE SPACE DAD LEFT BEHIND: WHEN A MOTHER CARRIES WHAT A FATHER PUTS DOWN

I always wanted my children to have a relationship with their father no matter what happened between us. I encouraged them to love him, respect him, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Even when things were painful, I told them not to hold anger in their hearts.

But while I was doing everything I could to keep that connection alive, my ex-husband insisted I was doing the opposite. He believed I was turning the children against him, speaking negatively about him, planting seeds of hatred. He never realised that I was advocating for him long after he stopped advocating for himself.

Everything changed the day my eldest daughter sat me down and said,
“Mama, stop pushing us toward Papa. He clearly doesn’t want us. If you keep forcing us, we’re going to end up resenting you.”

Her words broke something inside me not because they were harsh, but because they were true. From that day on, I stopped trying to guide them toward someone who wasn’t meeting them halfway. Now, when they come to me with their hurt, I listen. I hold space for them without adding, without correcting, without opinions, without interruption, without judging.

Children know when a father is choosing not to show up.
Mothers don’t have to “poison” children against their fathers the father’s absence does that on its own.

My youngest daughter has always spoken openly about how deeply his absence wounds her. She often says,
“Mama, you’ve never been rejected by your dad, so you don’t understand. We just want our father to love us. We see our friends with their fathers… we want that too.”

Those words are knives to the heart.
Not because she’s wrong, but because she’s right and I am helpless against a pain I did not create.

In my desperation to protect her, I once told her to block him on all her social media platforms so she wouldn’t keep hurting herself by watching him live a life without them. My therapist later told me that was the worst advice I could give. And she was right. I was trying to shield her from heartbreak, but silence does not heal wounds.

The truth is: I want to take their pain away, but I don’t know how.
His absence has created a void that I cannot fill a deep, emotional, psychological emptiness that shapes their self-worth, their view on relationships, and the way they view love.

Their “father wound” leaves the traces I see every day:

• their deep-rooted fear of being left behind
• guarded hearts that struggle to trust
• connections that feel fragile, insecure, uncertain, or hard to hold onto
• the silent, aching belief that they are somehow undeserving and unworthy of love
• the instinct to shut down

I watch them trying so hard to look “fine,” to prove that our pain and suffering is not in vain because they’re okay. It might take a moment, but a mother always sees the cracks, her heart always recognizes them in time she always sees what others miss, they reveal themselves to her and I see them all.

They once told me, “Mama, you deal with too much. We don’t want to burden you.”
That broke me. They shouldn’t feel like a burden. Their pain is mine to carry with them that’s what motherhood is.

It’s not fair that they have to navigate this emptiness. But life isn’t fair, and we know better than to count on fairytales.

Still, through everything and their mistakes, “my children are my pride”.
Healing moves in waves, not straight lines, and there are days when the tide pulls harder than you expected, on their best days their strength, their honesty, their courage it humbles me.

As for my ex-husband… to me, he is simply a biological contributor. Because fatherhood is a verb. It is work. It is presence. It is consistency. And he has chosen none of those.

He may act involved, but often it’s just for the image he maintains on social media it’s usually only to score points with his fanbase, but we all know the truth:
He left me alone with the responsibilities, to be judged, to struggle alone with the kids, to carry every burden he dropped and walked away from while often being the loudest judge himself.

I can never say he “did my children wrong,” because wrong is forgetting a birthday or breaking a promise.
What he did was abandon them.

He rewrote their story without their consent, on his own terms. And as for me motherhood as I’ve learned doesn’t pause for heartbreak. It moves for survival. So, I did what mothers do: I carried everything alone.

I was and still there for the fevers, the tears, the sports injuries, the growing pains, the dreams, the disappointments, the judgements. There were and still are moments I fell/fall short of giving them everything they wanted/want, but I would save for months to make their deepest wants possible and to make sure they eventually got the things they cherished. I force them to keep going when they want to quit. I stayed and I’m still staying. I’m doing the best I know to do, and I show up fully with what I have.
Blood doesn’t raise a child love does. Commitment does. Showing up does.
And that’s something he can never take away from me.

And still… despite it all… my prayer is that my children break free from the weight of his choices. One truth I hold onto and see proven again and again is this: buried within the very wounds they carry lies something extraordinary and powerful. The capacity to heal, a quiet, resilient power. The power to heal. To rise. To rewrite their story every broken narrative, they were handed. To uncover a truth that was never lost only hidden and to learn that they were always worthy… always enough.

I want them to reclaim their self-worth, to know that their father’s inconsistency says nothing about their value. I want them to understand they cannot control him and they are not responsible for the emptiness he created.

I pray that one day they find the strength to forgive him for the pain they carry in their hearts.
Not for his sake, but for theirs.
So they don’t carry anger, bitterness and resentment that was never theirs to bear into the rest of their lives.
So they can break the cycle of inherited hurt and disappointment.
So they can heal the space he refused to fill.

Most of all,
I want them to know this:

They deserve more.
They deserve better.
And despite everything, they are and always will be WORTHY OF A LOVE THAT STAYS!

My journey continues and I strive to move towards a happier and more fulfilling life🥂💃🏽🥰 I’m Just A Small Girl With A Big God🙏🏽💕 Mercy Rewrote My Life🙏🏽💕Mercy Said No🙏🏽💕 Grace Has Located Me🙏🏽💕 I Am An Overcomer🙏🏾💕A Very Beautiful Story❤️ Live in the moment, Laugh harder, Love💖 deeply & Celebrate more💕🎉🥂💃🏽🥰

 

When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me - Psalm 27:10🙏🏽🙏🏽

Love & Light 

Dipsy💚